Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sitting

Sitting in a walk in clinic it seems interesting to see where people choose to sit down or rather who they choose to sit by. I walk in see the room randomly seated at a half full capacity and see two chairs empty and choose the one furthest away from everyone else. Why did I do that? A) the large beefy man sitting beside the two empty seats looked intimidating and B) the other half of the room looked pretty sick and being more supseptible than most I want to be as far from sick germs as I can. However all three people after me came n sat beside me. There are six other seats, I wonder if they thought like me about germs, beefy intimidation and looked to me and thought definitely not frightening and sat down. Hmm... How do you choose where you sit? Or is it random?

I've found myself in n out of Dr.'s offices, wondering where it all ends. Seems to be repetitive part of my life for the past 6 years. What I've found is that most offices do not communicate with each other thus when you are referred to a new specialist there will not only be like a 6 month wait there will also be no blood work or recent tests when you do finally get to the clinic. Note: insist on a copy of all recent tests from your Dr.'s office as a record for yourself, put it in a binder and bring for your specialist to see. Right now my binder is with the Naturalpath who says he looks at it before/after each visit.

After my visit yestarday to the Pain Specialist I cant say I'm overwhelmingly hopeful, I mean it was the same song and dance 'up these meds, try this new medication, here's the options of all the treatments we can do...and oh by the way I think you really should try the injection therapy'... When he says injection therapy he means injecting into muscles around my spine....it sounds dangerous and I don't like needles. I hate the idea of masking the pain for a little while and then having to continuously go back for injections because the pain doesn't go away it's just masked for a little while.

I'm exhausted from being exhausted, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, but more than anything I hate waiting to be better. I hate pushing myself as fast as I can straight into the ground so that others are taken care of, and I can feel good because I've done my duty. Duty, the reason I push so hard to exceed expectations that when I do excel at being okay - on the inside I'm burnt right out left heaving and panting, but I look okay. Is it worth it? All the hours I spend cleaning till my hands smell of bleach so the house can look clean and dinner is ready, all so I can look like a good housekeeper...then people that don't understand the personal toll it took to get it to look like this, can be impressed. Our appearances are simply based perspective, from the angle looking head on at you in public you look great, from the angle the private life you look tired, exhausted, and run down. We run around busy like lab rats trying to impress each other and then never fully understanding the people around us, but we sure understand the weather better. With all these unbelievably high expectations on me I feel drowned by the weight of whats expected of me because I know my limits and the people with these expectations need to get an adjustment according to my limits. They need a new appreciation for me being able to get out of bed. Because right now I'm going back to bed because if you don't appreciate all the exasperating energy it took to try to impress you why try. I suppose you could say today's a bad pain day for me and it doesn't take much to push me over the edge.

-ElysiaB



  

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