I've always felt that quotes have a way of passing on wisdom from another generation, anothers experiences, and just have a way of teaching from history. And if we learn from history we will be wiser to face new problems and issues of today. When I was tiny like age 4-6 I was obsessed with proverbs well probablly longer then that it's an obsession thats gone on for years, I want to be wise as salomon was wise. I felt if I was wise enough I woulldn't have anything to be afriad of but thats not true we can be wise and sometimes it's wiser to be afriad because fear is necessary for greatness. If we were never afraid and always knew everything would turn out mabey we wouldnt take the necessary risks or run toask for support. We need wisdom and we need a healthy does of fear.
These two elements seem to have collided this past week as I was discharged from the hospital on thursday with no concluding diagnoses, so again I'm in the dark. But this somehow pushed me further into the darkness of fear as having gone through every test possible, blood tests every morning, scans every day, even an MRI, and CT, and still everything comes back telling them I'm as healthy as an ox who's pain's so bad large doses of Morphine, Tortal, and my favorite Valium can't take the pain away. So getting discharged has just brought on this extreme low. I don't know where to go from here. Is this rock bottom? I thought I hit that already?
I got discharged which no one thought was right due to my levels of pain, so we went into Vancouver which killed me in pain just being in a car, the moving and the vibrating, while my body just aches all over. So as we arrived hoping to be admitted to UBC Hospital where the student doctors would fight to figure me out. However we couldn't find it. All we found was a small clinic that wouldn't take me so we headed for VGH. When arriving and going through all the proper waiting rooms I gave a blood sample, urine sample that was pink because my bleeding hasn't been cured. I finally got to see a nurse and hardly had time to tell her what was wrong before she snidely asked, "so what do you want me to do about it?" So I was sent home with no compassion and no answers. Sure the nurse reassured us that the Abbotsford Hospital had been very thorough and done all they could. But, she sent us home nontheless and to me that almost broke me right there. It felt like everyone had given up on me. I was directed to the internal medicine out patient program that VGH offers and the family was all happy about it and sure it's great but from my view it was a 'here take this so you'll leave' kinda thing. To me this felt like the bitter end.
Discharged, with no results and told to leave with a "heres something to make you go" form, I just felt so low. I still feel that low. That low that feels like your in more pain from the trouble of going in to be fixed and coming out even more broken. With no answers, and pain that is so bad i feel like im going to pass out or die from the amount of pain i feel in sharp stabbing waves. I feel lost and hopeless even though I know my God is at work and my trust is in him, I am afriad because unlike him i have no idea how much more of this i can take. it's too much for me to handle and thats what scares me most i've come to the point where I can not handle this and i've been discharged theres nothing anyone or any pills can do for me. So what now?
I know deep down who I am does not stay down, I know I'll get back up because its in my blood its who I am. I know my God is big enough to move mountains and is with me, and so I will try not to be afraid because of this pain as I know he has gone before me, he knows his plans for me and he will never forsake me. I'm just a simple human you see, I don't see the vast plans he has, I trust him but I fear how far he will let my pain go and to what end. I ache in every muscule, I have electric shooting nueropathic pains throughout my vains and random stabbing pains. Yet, left to deal with the excruciating pain on my own, with my mom playing nurse with all the medications they've prescrobed, my husband and father have been my hugest supporters. With aunts, and grandparents always caring and trying to be there when they can. I thank God for the Support group he has blessed me with I could not go far without them.
Yestarday was a dark minded day for me, and today is a better minded one. And that's how I guess I'm left to take it day by day by day until the pain takes me. Yestarday when the bad thoughts filled my head I was reminded of a quote I found on the xanga quote sight years ago when I was going through bullying... It went like this, " So you found out today your life's not the same, Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday, And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn, But you never gave up this easily before, So why do you choose today to give it all away?" As this quote popped into my head it made me think again, after all I've been through what make today so specail? Yes, it's true, i feel beat up, broken down, and torn, but I will not let this break me. I have not gone through so much to stay down now. Yet getting back up this time will require a lot of help, and strength that I don't have yet so I'll be in critical care on bed rest, and I will fight this.
These two elements seem to have collided this past week as I was discharged from the hospital on thursday with no concluding diagnoses, so again I'm in the dark. But this somehow pushed me further into the darkness of fear as having gone through every test possible, blood tests every morning, scans every day, even an MRI, and CT, and still everything comes back telling them I'm as healthy as an ox who's pain's so bad large doses of Morphine, Tortal, and my favorite Valium can't take the pain away. So getting discharged has just brought on this extreme low. I don't know where to go from here. Is this rock bottom? I thought I hit that already?
I got discharged which no one thought was right due to my levels of pain, so we went into Vancouver which killed me in pain just being in a car, the moving and the vibrating, while my body just aches all over. So as we arrived hoping to be admitted to UBC Hospital where the student doctors would fight to figure me out. However we couldn't find it. All we found was a small clinic that wouldn't take me so we headed for VGH. When arriving and going through all the proper waiting rooms I gave a blood sample, urine sample that was pink because my bleeding hasn't been cured. I finally got to see a nurse and hardly had time to tell her what was wrong before she snidely asked, "so what do you want me to do about it?" So I was sent home with no compassion and no answers. Sure the nurse reassured us that the Abbotsford Hospital had been very thorough and done all they could. But, she sent us home nontheless and to me that almost broke me right there. It felt like everyone had given up on me. I was directed to the internal medicine out patient program that VGH offers and the family was all happy about it and sure it's great but from my view it was a 'here take this so you'll leave' kinda thing. To me this felt like the bitter end.
Discharged, with no results and told to leave with a "heres something to make you go" form, I just felt so low. I still feel that low. That low that feels like your in more pain from the trouble of going in to be fixed and coming out even more broken. With no answers, and pain that is so bad i feel like im going to pass out or die from the amount of pain i feel in sharp stabbing waves. I feel lost and hopeless even though I know my God is at work and my trust is in him, I am afriad because unlike him i have no idea how much more of this i can take. it's too much for me to handle and thats what scares me most i've come to the point where I can not handle this and i've been discharged theres nothing anyone or any pills can do for me. So what now?
I know deep down who I am does not stay down, I know I'll get back up because its in my blood its who I am. I know my God is big enough to move mountains and is with me, and so I will try not to be afraid because of this pain as I know he has gone before me, he knows his plans for me and he will never forsake me. I'm just a simple human you see, I don't see the vast plans he has, I trust him but I fear how far he will let my pain go and to what end. I ache in every muscule, I have electric shooting nueropathic pains throughout my vains and random stabbing pains. Yet, left to deal with the excruciating pain on my own, with my mom playing nurse with all the medications they've prescrobed, my husband and father have been my hugest supporters. With aunts, and grandparents always caring and trying to be there when they can. I thank God for the Support group he has blessed me with I could not go far without them.
Yestarday was a dark minded day for me, and today is a better minded one. And that's how I guess I'm left to take it day by day by day until the pain takes me. Yestarday when the bad thoughts filled my head I was reminded of a quote I found on the xanga quote sight years ago when I was going through bullying... It went like this, " So you found out today your life's not the same, Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday, And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn, But you never gave up this easily before, So why do you choose today to give it all away?" As this quote popped into my head it made me think again, after all I've been through what make today so specail? Yes, it's true, i feel beat up, broken down, and torn, but I will not let this break me. I have not gone through so much to stay down now. Yet getting back up this time will require a lot of help, and strength that I don't have yet so I'll be in critical care on bed rest, and I will fight this.
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