Telling your story, I’m not sure I’m up for the task, there’s no happy ending yet it’s just looking quite dark from here. All I know right now is that my rock bottom was really just a layer of eggshells holding me up from the real fall. There’s a hard immediate reaction that came to me of devastation when I heard that the porphyry test was negative. That devastation seems so silly though because I knew it would be negative, but it was the last hail mary that the doctors and specialists had thought to test for, regardless of it being a rare disorder. I went in having not gotten my hopes up, but somewhere in between I fell again, crushed by the negative testing. Leaving felt like the end. What was left to hold on to? I asked if there was anything else we could check for, but my doctor sadly said there wasn’t anything else he could think of that we haven’t already checked. It was the same with the specialists, I waited to get into the Internal medicine wing at UBC in Vancouver general hospital. And when I got a meeting the resident took all the information down, and checked me over, and the real specialist entered to say that she didn’t think there was anything she could think to do that has not already been done. So we headed home but on the way I went into extreme pain and had to go back to the hospital emergence room where after waiting two hours the doctor gave me a shot of morphine in the hip and told me to see my GP.
The pain worsens daily, we pray daily, but I can’t help but feel like It’s going to have to get a lot worse to be figured out. Yet, I’ve been hanging on to the end of my rope, theres only so much pain I can take, and I know I’m slipping. I can feel it as others take more control, over what medications I can take, the regression but into what I don’t know. The thing is every time I’ve fallen, I’ve gotten back up. At times getting back up seems like a reflex as it’s something that you must do, because the only other option is to stay down and that is a dark place I don’t want to go. The Lord, that we believe in is sovereign and has everything already planned before it has happened, he has provided a way to take care of us in all our darkest moment. Most times God has placed people in our lives before we know we need them and we take it for granted, not seeing it for what it is. At this moment I don’t see hope for my life, but I know he who is sovereign has a plan for my life and he will provide light in this dark time.
Right now, I feel like an earthquake went off in my head, and the sharp rubble spreads through my left ear, jaw and neck. I feel like there’s little imaginary men drilling for oil right under my rib cage on the right side. I can feel throughout my back the pain in my abdomen, it’s become hard to get out of bed and well do anything. Yet the mountain’s look gorgeous, and my dog perks up and gets all giddy when she sees me. So for now I’m okay, because although I don’t feel hopeful I have trust in my God that as I swing at the end of my rope wondering how much more I can take he already knows the stories end. Right now these feeling of sadness there like a singers song, it’s just a part of the tale not the beginning and not end just a part of emotion being expressed. ffus-ptw4naXLNKMAQRo1yf_Ou4
~ElysiaB
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