Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Apache 1220355BB Cushion Comfort Mat, Garden Herbs

  • Exceptional comfort meets fun designs in these cushion comfort mat
  • Resilient vinyl foam anti-fatigue mat is perfect for the kitchen
  • Stain proof and fade resistant making them easy to clean
  • Available in garden herbs design
  • Measures 20-inch length by 42-inch width; approximately 3/8-inch thickness

List Price: $70.00
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Product Description
Exceptional comfort meets fun designs in these cushion comfort mat. Designed to be perfect for the kitchen in both artistic design and function. Resilient vinyl foam anti-fatigue mat is perfect for the kitchen. Stain proof and fade resistant making them easy to clean. These soft foam mats make it easier to stand for long periods in the kitchen. Available in garden herbs design. Measures 20-inch length by 42-inch width; approximately 3/8-inch thickness. - Cushion Comfort Kitchen Anti Fatigue Floor Mat ... Patio & Garden; Kids' Home Store; Gift ... Apache Mills: Cushion Comfort Mat ... Cushion Comfort 60-122-1376-20X42 Apache Mills Herb Floral Kitchen Mat, ... Football Fanatics - Sports Apparel, NFL Gear, Fan Shop ... Shop Football Fanatics for sports apparel and fan merchandise! Our ultimate sports store features NFL Apparel, Sportswear and Gifts for every team. Get College ... Free eBooks Download Share Book Free. Looking for the most comprehensive eBook sharing website? We have 300,00 eBooks with 100,000+ Authors and 5000+ Publishers covering 100+ areas of ... antique doll eBay - Electronics, Cars, Fashion, Collectibles ... Architectural & Garden (13) Science & Medicine (Pre-1930) (5) ... Antique German Bisque PIN CUSHION Half Doll, Lg. Size, Arms on Head. Expedited shipping available. Free CSS 2075 Free CSS Templates, Open Source CSS Templates ... Free CSS has 2075 free website templates, all templates are free CSS templates, open source templates or creative commons templates. Kitchen Rugs: Buy Kitchen Rugs in For the Home at Sears Shaw Living 18"x31" Herbs Kitchen Rug ... SmartCells 24X68tanbw Anti-Fatigue Comfort Mat for Home and Office with Basket ... Crown Cushion-Step Mat, Rubber ... Worksheets, Lesson Plans, Teacher Resources, and Rubrics from ... offers teachers FREE access to thousands of teacher resources, lesson plans, and rubrics. Homestead Get a site, Get found. Get customers. Quickly create a site with our award-winning website building software. Our easy to use tools will have your small business website up and running in minutes.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

NoTrax Comfort Style Rug - Maple

  • Solid PVC top
  • Foam bottom
  • Variety of sizes available
  • Designed to reduce fatigue
  • NoTrax brand made by Superior Manufacturing

List Price: $59.99
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Product Description
The NoTrax Comfort Style Rug - Maple features a top that is styled after a natural maple floor. This anti-fatigue rug has a solid PVC top and foam bottom. With its commercial-strength design, it is available in a variety of sizes. Solid PVC top. Foam bottom. Variety of sizes available. Designed to reduce fatigue. NoTrax brand made by Superior Manufacturing. Maple. Commercial strength.

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Monday, October 28, 2013

in my mind

So I made it through thanksgiving(s), and it seems it's never a good time to go into the hospital but if it were fatal wouldn't that not matter, I mean you would just go. right? Yet, pain and pain seem too similar that I brush off oddities, blood, and I find very good reasonable reasons to not go in like... I had a paper due, midterms coming and a naturalpath appointment that I coundn't afford to miss (literally it'd cost me money), and plus he said he'd look over my whole binder of test results from 2008 and I was hoping beyond hope that he had some ideas.

Which he did because it turns out he has ton of degrees, and thus he supposed to be really smart, but I still had to stop and wonder, when I'm laying on the dr. table and he's putting viles of stuff onto my stomach. Or as he put it into my energy field, and then had me put my arms in the air while he tried to pull them apart.....I guess it could be called muscle testing. Muscle testing is also useful in determining which foods or substances will improve a patient’s health, and which will impede it. Subtle incompatibilities between a patient’s electromagnetic energy field and that of the substance in question can be detected by the naturopathic physician merely by placing the substance in direct contact with the patient’s body and observing the reaction of the key muscle groups involved. If a patient is extremely ill and very weak, the physician may have to rely on surrogate testing to assess a patient’s health using muscle testing. A healthy individual’s muscle reactions will be monitored when he or she is in direct contact with the patient and again when he or she is not. By observing the subtle changes in the healthy individual’s muscle reactions, the physician may gather further functional diagnostic information about the patient. Needless to say I questioned his methods... yet, I don't have better options, I mean I can barely stay out of the hospital and normal Doc.'s got nothin'. So, he told me I have parasites, e-coli, and wheat and dairy allergies, I then bought the medicine he put into my energy field that would work and then paid for the visit and tried it when I got home. However, after he pushed on me, I was sick the whole way back and no matter how bad tasting those drops (I still can't believe I'm desperate enough to try) are, they couldn't take the bleeding n incredible amounts of pain away. So finally, after humming and hawing we went to the hospital. Where they've ceased to help me, again... The first night they admitted me and when putting in the IV they also left multiple major bruises from attempts that didn't work. (I look like I get abused not a great image to come away with) The next day, I was still in a lot of pain and I had to ring the bell 10 plus times before a nurse came to help and when she did she was angry, but I needed pain med's, because it hurt so bad. Although sitting in a bed in the hallway of the hospital directly in front of the ward desk, would give you the vague idea that they'd notice you but surprisingly it didn't help. On one occasion my blood clotted and the IV attachment fell out which bled out a lot, and freaked me right out even more, its like something from a horror film to see my blood coming out of a tube like that....eek. By the fourth day all the tests still either came back negative or contaminated by too many bacteria which is not my fault although the Dr. made me feel like it. On top of which the Dr. also mentioned, that if it was still contaminated on the 3rd try they'd have to put in a catheter...ya, not a good day, to be me. I was praying against it. The next day it was contaminated and lucky for me the Dr. also forgot to come by and say anything about it. Then the fifth day, deciding theres nothing more they can do, because they're not specialists so they discharged me. Thus reasonably depressed, I am now home no better than before, perhaps even worse for wear and tear and extremely frustrated with God as anyone would be in this predicament. I mean where is God when it hurts...he's here making sure no catheter comes near me, thank you! But, I also can't help but be mad with him for not doing anything to stop all of this. The antibiotics have made my mouth have sores which makes eating turn into a painful event, as if it's not enough that braces hurt the eating process. And now thanks to Dr. Naturalpath I also can't eat a longer list of things because to top it all off I now have to avoid dairy and wheat which are in everything.  Not to mention the fact that bread was one of the very few things that stayed down when I ate it. My pain now spasming through out my body whenever I try to do anything, walk, exercise, clean etc., causes more loneliness because illness breeds a lack of socializing already. Thus the fact that I'm bruised, bleeding, throwing up, barely able to get out of bed, as you can imagine slightly impacts a social calendar that was already very meek...and  added to that fun daily routine I have to take a minimum of 7+ medications from the multiple Dr.'s, plus the gross tasting nathuralpathic drops. I can't help but feel frustrated and alone in my situation....but, I'm mean think about it, if it were you, how would you handle that? Your new normal goes from barely functioning and in pain already to a lot a lot worse, would you not be angry or question your beliefs?

I can't help but wonder why some get miraculously healed and I get left.... It seems like after all I've been through during the years before this, I shouldn't have more diabolical things to deal with. And then again I realize how naive that is to even think. What makes me so special that I can think that this is unjust, is it not also just as unjust for people born with worse disorders, I'm not better than them that I deserve answers from him who created me. Yet, I've begged and asked a thousand times for ways that God could help me, or at the very least for him to provide me with the strength to handle this. I understand all the right christianies answers, the doctrine of suffering, and yet, I'm mad because finally I'm so broken that I can hardly stay out of the hospital, I can't eat hardly anything before adjusting my diet and the few things I could eat were mainly of the bread variety so that just cut out almost everything my body can digest...I can't hardly stand or do anything physical, I'm consistently in more pain than medication can even touch, and I am constantly realizing how broken I am compared to everyone else.

When I compare myself to the ominous "them" and how they act like "they" have huge problems but they heal, I apparently don't; Their blood stays where it should be, mine leaks out everywhere it can at random; They are able to hangout with friends, I'm confined to bed more than anything; They can eat, I can barley; There is sooo much for them to be thankful for. Even in jail, they can exercise without hurting, they can eat three meals, they can have friends, and do things, sure its confined but its still pretty good. I know I'm not to compare, and I realize that all of "them" have different lives to lead, different paths they've been asked to walk, different breaking points, different backgrounds, different personalities, different biological DNA. It's hard to tell through all the darkness and, it's so easy to lose focus of what really matters. The truth is none of those comparisons matter, because its as good as comparing an apple to an orange, we're all just far far too different and the truth is if I focus hard enough on my pain and what I go through I can think of a million reasons to be pissed off with God. But, although my world is shaking I can think of so many reasons it is also not his fault, and so many times were his providence has been over my life. So many times when I have cried out in my darkest despratest times, even times when I didn't believe in him at all and was completely against him, he has never left me when I have tested him. When I have called upon him, he has always been there even visibly. You see I can't be mad with him, I have no right, I can not fathom how he created the universe, or know entire life plans and I know without a doubt that he will be there for me, even when I don't understand how.

I can be mad with him, it's allowed and I'll get past it. Its just hard to comprehend what in the world he is doing, and why. I feel like emotionally I've been through enough hard times to last me, but then is it that I have not been through enough physically hard things? It's not for me to say. I know I have unanswered prayers, and I don't understand how to keep going when everything just keeps decomposing. I don't want to be confined to a bed, and I don't see how anything that happens to me will attest to anything as I am unable to get out enough to impact anyone. But through my heartbreak, pain, and anger I know he still has me in the palm of his hands through everything I go through and no matter what happens I know it's not his doing. I know and trust that he knows what he is doing and if he's going to allow it to happen it's for a reason and if he allows it he'll give me the strength to accept it, and to keep going even when it seems like it's only going to get worse. As humans we have to adjust to the fact that we are human, that there will be people in better positions and people in worse. We are human we are afflicted by a great fall of man and if we are to get angry with him or even turn away because we don't understand I feel it is still our responsibility to understand the doctrine of suffering and how it is by no means his doing especially if we are to be walking away from a God of Love because we don't understand how there can be such awful events that happen in the world. I can be angry because I don't understand but, even angry as I am I won't deny how great and good a God he is. I know that he loves me for me not for what I have done, or who I will be, I know he wants good for me and I know the pain is deep, but not deep enough to keep me from my faith in him. Faith is not easy its not meant to be, and at times its a fight because I want control, I want to say how dare you leave me like this but the thing about control is its an illusion. We play a blame game when we feel afflicted, and we never blame the right person, when we blame the one who loves and made us, it is misdirected blame. If I control my life it will not go well, and he will let me have my way, but I've given up on control as faith is stronger. It's blind faith at times when the future looks this bleak but, without blind faith where would trust fit in.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

GelPro Ostrich Anti Fatigue Kitchen Mat, 20-Inch by 48-Inch, Atlantic Blue

  • This patented 100% gel-filled anti fatigue mat provides comfort and helps relieve pain in feet, legs and lower back caused from standing for long periods of time on hard floors
  • Each comfort gel mat is made with a high-quality, european designer top fabric that's superior to low quality textiles
  • All gelpro comfort floor mats are certified by the national floor safety institute for having a high traction bottom
  • Unlike ordinary kitchen mats, GelPro mats wipe clean with mild soap and water
  • Every gelpro floor mat is designed and assembled with pride in the usa
  • This patented 100% gel-filled anti fatigue mat helps relieve pain in feet, legs and lower back

List Price: $169.95
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Product Description
Provide your feet with soothing relief with the original GelPro comfort floor mat. Each mat is ergonomically designed with a revolutionary 100% gel-filled core, European designer top fabric and high traction bottom surface certified by the National Floor Safety Institute. Unlike most textile kitchen mats or area rugs, these gel-filled patented mats are perfect for people with foot pain, back pain, or even arthritis. As seen on HGTV, Food Network and Fine Living, GelPro mats come in a variety of fabrics, colors and sizes for use anywhere you would place a floor mat: the kitchen, laundry room, bathroom or garage. GelPro Atlantic Blue; Auburn; Azure Blue; ... GelPro Wicker Anti Fatigue Kitchen... ... stylish and comfortable anti-fatigue floor mats that are proudly designed and ... Buy Kitchen Comfort Mats from Bed Bath & Beyond Buy Kitchen Comfort Mats products including: Buy "Kitchen Comfort Mats" products like Imprint Nantucket Anti-Fatigue Comfort Mat, Imprint Cobblestone Anti-Fatigue ... Buy Gel Kitchen Mats from Bed Bath & Beyond Buy Gel Kitchen Mats products including: Buy "Gel Kitchen Mats" products like GelPro Basketweave Truffle Cushion Mat, GelPro Basketweave Khaki Cushion Mat, GelPro ...

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Basketweave "Fiore" Anti Fatigue Comfort Mat - 20" x 36" Wheat

  • Made from durable premium quality material.
  • Very safe with trip-resistant beveled edge and non-slip backing that will stay flat and will not roll up.
  • Lightweight and easy to clean. Perfect for kitchen, laundry, bathroom, garage and other areas of your home.
  • Non toxic and safe for children and pets. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.
  • 5 Year Warranty.

List Price: $99.00
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Standing on a hard surface does a number on one's body. Studies show that Anti-fatigue mats are able to reduce discomfort and increase productivity for people who stand all day. Therefore, anti-fatigue mats are great for areas of your house where you notice that you stand a lot. For instance your kitchen or garage.

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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Vacation from me

There is a time for everything, a time to push past the pain and a time for recovering, a time for pushing through and a time for relaxing. When exercising you may start to feel a bit of a burn, but thats nothing compared to the burn and soreness that floods a few minutes after you stop exercising. Similarly when studying for exams you push through the stress and exhaustion, and then finally get sick when you rest. That is a very minor comparison to how I feel today, as I have just gotten back from a wonderful vacation. Although health wise, I am now in bed with shooting electric pains through all my joints, accompanied by fiery throbbing in all my muscles, and many many intense stomach and back pains. This is the price I pay for pushing my body harder than it can take. All the while the week leading up to the trip I had a UTI and a lymph node infection, that I took antibiotics for. Although I continued to have a lot of pain during the trip I refused to go to a Dr. as it doesn't make sense when they don't know my history and I do have an appointment coming up next wednesday with the pain specialist I've been waiting a year plus to see. So I am still attempting to hold out until next wednesday regardless of the pain as I know this specialist may understand, may send me to other specialists faster, and will all around be better than seeing any other Dr. that doesn't know my history, symptoms, or the pain of it all. But mostly, I just have an all around lack of faith in the average Dr. as they have hardly proven to be reliable, along with their offices that set up appointments but handout the wrong date or other information. Seems everything gets muddled, and sad when I go to see them so I don't unless I absolutely have to, in which case I'd still prefer to let it get worse in hopes of revealing the real source of the pain. I'd almost rather handle the pain of letting the symptoms worsen then go to see an average Dr. that doesn't have a clue what he's looking at and assumes it's nothing. At least letting it worsen comes with perks of getting fast tests done, and pain medication, I just don't have time to waste talking to a Dr. that won't believe me. Thus the vacation was a great time to relax along the water and that was much needed.

First we went to Vancouver Island and went camping, biking and walking all over Victoria. Next we went to Salt Spring Island and stayed in a small cottage on St. Mary's Lake, where we lounged inside reading, playing games, had a fire outside and even went kayaking. To finish it off we continued on to the family cabin on the coast and went for long walks and even an 8km hike. And it would be an understatement to say I'm feeling it now. However I am very proud of myself for pushing hard to do the things I wanted so badly to be able to do, as I haven't hiked or biked in a very long time and have never tried kayaking all by myself. There is so much of my life that is controlled by pain and I miss greatly the abilities I had before all this illness to enjoy the outdoors with all sorts of energy. So when I get the opportunity to go out and attempt to still enjoy the outdoors I have to take it for so much of my time is spent ill and sore. If it costs me a week in bed it is well worth it as I know I have pushed my body hard and done my very best. I wish I could do these kinds of activities a lot more regularly and if it were up to my mind I would, but sadly my body's wellness plays a large part in what I am capable of. For now I return to my studies, having registered for classes yesterday and already gotten ahead as I have gotten the notes ahead of time from other students and read part of a textbook.  I feel as though I am managing the non-pain areas of life a bit better for the first time since my gallbladder was removed. In a way it was a vacation from me, as when I am pushing my body to it's limit's and some, I feel like the fun person I was with a bit less energy, but just as happy as I was being outside and enjoying life.


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Fort St.Hide-Out

So midterms have ended and I have written three huge term papers of each 15+ pages and now I'm coming to this last project and I'm trying I really am to push through this I just have to write one more research paper, plus put together a handout of resources, and put together a powerpoint. At first it was the topic that held me back, it reminded me of a really hard and desperate place I was in at 13 years old. Having to grow up too fast, deal with issues I shouldn't have been aware of, and so of course the topic I'm randomly assigned is based on a coping mechanism I know all too well.  Yes, writing, and presenting it will help me and Lord, I bet you gave that teacher the idea of giving it to me, I mean it's too coincidental. 
So you can see now how pushing through it, and revisiting that topic is, like the last thing I want to do right now. And to make it better I'm sitting at the lounge at school working on the research for it and this other student from the same addictions counselling class, looks over at my screen and is like, "oh your doing your topic on that coping mechanism, I think a lot of teens just do that for attention..." and then she gets up and leaves. I'm sitting thinking, "wow that's insensitive, why are you in a counselling course?" but all add it to the list of things I shouldn't say outside of my head. 
What she said just reminded me of those other people who at church told me that this thyroid disease was caused because I sinned in some way and it's God punishing me. Or those other people who think that thyroid disorders are fake. When people tell you that what do you say? I can't agree, cause a) I have this "fake" disorder, and b) I can't agree that my God would do that. Even if I'm thinking objectively and actually considering it my heart screams, "NO HE'S NOT LIKE THAT" just like hypothetically, if I was a child of an alcoholic and someone offers me a drink after all I've seen my loved ones go through how could I accept knowing what I know? It's like, every fibber in my body is repulsed by that idea that, I know deep in my being that my God is not like that, he is a God of mercy, patience, and above all Love. Everything good comes from him.
From God's activity in the bible it teaches us that he is sovereign, nothing happens that he doesn't know about. A lot times people say "everything happens for a reason" but it's not that God has it in his Will and has it in his plan for me to have this disorder, but because sin has entered our world, there is this our use of our freewill is and element added to our circumstances. Sometimes people do bad things, such as drunk drivers. We know that drinking too much impairs our driving and thus should take a cab but, some people choose to drive themselves home drunk. God's sovereignty works in connection with man's freewill. They freely reject the knowledge they know is right and drive in spite of being drunk.  Did God will it to happen? no. Did he Allow it to happen? yes. God does not go around desiring for these bad things to be in our world, but since we live in a fallen world it happens under his permissible will. You have to have some negative things like earthquakes to stir up sediment in the ocean to keep life going on. God doesn't single out people or places for negative things they are the processes of the natural will. Some people say that God's inaction is an action, but God is not inactive as he is working through history to take it out of this world and has done something through Christ. God does want all men to be saved, but sometimes men freely reject him just as people in the old testament freely rejected christ. Yet, God's will is still accomplished through Christ dying for sins thus, saving us. 
This is why I can't agree that God punishes people through diseases, yes there's probably a handful of places where you could find times he has. But the great many times he has shown mercy, patience, and providence far out weighs the handful of examples, thus it is not in his nature to do something like that. I hope those people, that tell other people that they are sick because God is punishing them learn this. 
Those comments make me kinda just close up and not want to share vulnerable parts of my life with others, because truth be told I'm already a little ashamed that I don't run at the same pace as everyone else. My dreams take longer, and longer. An old friend was saying she's graduating college this year, we started school same time, but I'm still only half way. My feeling ashamed is irrational, I realize this but knowing it's irrational doesn't make it feel any less shameful. These feeling clashing with the disorder and mixed in pain sometimes, brings me down. But these feelings are real, just as yours are. Their valid and sometimes they bring me down, but then I get back up, cause really what's left to do when you fall. You either sit in mud and cry cause you got hurt trying, or you get back up and try again. For me these moments feel like being on a dirt bike going as fast as i can over hills and through trails, and sometimes you push the throttle to hard, don't see the muddy puddle and slide out into it. You land hard on your butt, in a muddy, cold puddle. In my head I'm going Ouch! and Yuck! all at the same time! It's gross! now I'm wet, sore, and dirty! So due to falling a lot as a kid, my natural reaction now is to get back up, and get back on the bike, because it's okay to fall. 
Other times I don't just fall, I crash! Like this week plus last week, I've pushed myself way too hard to get through studying for exams plus being sick, Then when I knew, that I was starting to slide out, I pushed that throttle hard to get through papers but, I'm not delusional I can feel this crash coming, I just hope to finish this paper first.
Then I'm gonna not be 100% for a few weeks, my brain will try to mask my bodies pain, and make up for it in acting a bit zombie like. And although zombie's are in a daze, they're functional which beats being a mummy! And friend's will say But you don't seem tired to me," and they're right I don't "seem" tired, I don't "seem" rundown. I push that zombie mode as far as it will go, I do what I'm able to do, and accomplish what I can, until the point comes when I can't at which I'll hide out until I regain some resemblance of strength.
Throughout my life, I'm used being a "trooper" and sucking it up, and doing it alone a lot. I'm used to being the one that supports other people, not the one who receives support. Still I realize that when I'm sick, this hiding out, and doing it alone, has made be a bit prickly. For which I am Sorry. Sometimes I  forget how to put my shields down and ask for help or a hug. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

“Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?”

Often I find it hard to let people see me when I'm really sick, some treat you with looks of pity, others treat you like a china doll and others ignore you. (perhaps because they don't know what to say) It's hard to know what to say to someone who has a disorder thats not going to go away. I don't even know what to say, or how to deal with it. But similar to someone dealing with grief they don't need someone to say the right thing, they just really need a friend. Cause when you deal with something that changes your life you grieve things you'll never get to do, and you learn new limits every day. Today I found myself pondering this question of, “Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?” I look around and see people getting things done fast, graduating in the proper 4 years, and going out to hangout with people. And as much as I try it's hard not to compare yourself, cause trying so hard and still floundering feels like I'm the only person in world racing around in slow-motion while the world flies by around me. Yet, I then get really excited when I do things like get an A on a midterm. People brush it off or are sad they didn't get an A+ but to me; I worked extra hard for that A it took 4 weeks of studying hard through bouts of flu's  to get. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g to me, like a gold medal, I just want to tell everyone cause I'm so proud. This disorder all though very lonely, has given me a new appreciation for accomplishments, big or small, getting an A to doing dishes. I thank God for that aspect of this circumstance because I appreciate his help and all the things we can do together.

Today I woke up, ate breakfast, studied, then put on my recording of class lectures as I did yoga, and dishes, and then studied my notes some more. Yet, I feel as though I have a filled all my server space up in this brain and need some extra ram, drive, GB, a new disk? anything really! I've been shaky lately which has caused me to start dropping things, its like i have grease on my hands, I get so frustrated and embarrassed. I have 3 hours of energy and then am entrenched in a foggy state that comes and goes, thus studying is feeling like a war I don't thinking I'm winning. So I switched it up from writing out flashcards to writing lines in my note book which surprisingly has helped. Probably due to the fact that often I forget what I wrote, right after I wrote it. So writing a point out a few times is more likely to stick. I'm going to see my doctor soon about this awful cough I have had for 3 weeks it's like a bear trying to growl it's way out. If past lives and reincarnation were truly possibly, perhaps the bear inside me holds some truth, I feel like my sleep pattern may line up too. I mean I'm always tired perhaps I should be hibernating, it sounds kinda nice. Any who, I need to tell my doctor about the cough that has not gone away, the back that extra, and extra other painkillers still aren't helping and also that I feel like my memory is getting worse. Which is possible due to Hashimoto's, it effects far too much. I'm sore and very very sleep so Goodnight all I'm off to hibernate :)

Imprint CumulusPro Commercial Grade Series 24-Inch by 36-Inch, Black

  • CumulusPRO Mats are made with Cushion-Core Technology to reduce fatigue and increase comfort and productivity
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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Boss B16245-BK Caressoft Medical/Drafting Stool with Back Cushion

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Ergonomically designed emulates the natural shape of the spine to increase comfort and productivity. Upholstered in durable caressoft vinyl for easy maintenance and cleaning. Adjustable seat height with a 6-inch vertical height range. Attractive chrome finish on the base, foot ring and gas lift.

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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

why do you choose today to give it all away

I've always felt that quotes have a way of passing on wisdom from another generation, anothers experiences, and just have a way of teaching from history. And if we learn from history we will be wiser to face new problems and issues of today. When I was tiny like age 4-6 I was obsessed with proverbs well probablly longer then that it's an obsession thats gone on for years, I want to be wise as salomon was wise. I felt if I was wise enough I woulldn't have anything to be afriad of but thats not true we can be wise and sometimes it's wiser to be afriad because fear is necessary for greatness. If we were never afraid and always knew everything would turn out mabey we wouldnt take the necessary risks or run toask for support. We need wisdom and we need a healthy does of fear.

These two elements seem to have collided this past week as I was discharged from the hospital on thursday with no concluding diagnoses, so again I'm in the dark. But this somehow pushed me further into the darkness of fear as having gone through every test possible, blood tests every morning, scans every day, even an MRI, and CT, and still everything comes back telling them I'm as healthy as an ox who's pain's so bad large doses of Morphine, Tortal, and my favorite Valium can't take the pain away. So getting discharged has just brought on this extreme low. I don't know where to go from here. Is this rock bottom? I thought I hit that already?

I got discharged which no one thought was right due to my levels of pain, so we went into Vancouver which killed me in pain just being in a car, the moving and the vibrating, while my body just aches all over. So as we arrived hoping to be admitted to UBC Hospital where the student doctors would fight to figure me out. However we couldn't find it. All we found was a small clinic that wouldn't take me so we headed for VGH. When arriving and going through all the proper waiting rooms I gave a blood sample, urine sample that was pink because my bleeding hasn't been cured. I finally got to see a nurse and hardly had time to tell her what was wrong before she snidely asked, "so what do you want me to do about it?" So I was sent home with no compassion and no answers. Sure the nurse reassured us that the Abbotsford Hospital had been very thorough and done all they could. But, she sent us home nontheless and to me that almost broke me right there. It felt like everyone had given up on me. I was directed to the internal medicine out patient program that VGH offers and the family was all happy about it and sure it's great but from my view it was a 'here take this so you'll leave' kinda thing. To me this felt like the bitter end.

Discharged, with no results and told to leave with a "heres something to make you go" form, I just felt so low. I still feel that low. That low that feels like your in more pain from the trouble of going in to be fixed and coming out even more broken. With no answers, and pain that is so bad i feel like im going to pass out or die from the amount of pain i feel in sharp stabbing waves. I feel lost and hopeless even though I know my God is at work and my trust is in him, I am afriad because unlike him i have no idea how much more of this i can take. it's too much for me to handle and thats what scares me most i've come to the point where I can not handle this and i've been discharged theres nothing anyone or any pills can do for me. So what now?

I know deep down who I am does not stay down, I know I'll get back up because its in my blood its who I am. I know my God is big enough to move mountains and is with me, and so I will try not to be afraid because of this pain as I know he has gone before me, he knows his plans for me and he will never forsake me. I'm just a simple human you see, I don't see the vast plans he has, I trust him but I fear how far he will let my pain go and to what end. I ache in every muscule, I have electric shooting nueropathic pains throughout my vains and random stabbing pains. Yet, left to deal with the excruciating pain on my own, with my mom playing nurse with all the medications they've prescrobed, my husband and father have been my hugest supporters. With aunts, and grandparents always caring and trying to be there when they can. I thank God for the Support group he has blessed me with I could not go far without them.

Yestarday was a dark minded day for me, and today is a better minded one. And that's how I guess I'm left to take it day by day by day until the pain takes me. Yestarday when the bad thoughts filled my head I was reminded of a quote I found on the xanga quote sight years ago when I was going through bullying... It went like this, " So you found out today your life's not the same, Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday, And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn, But you never gave up this easily before, So why do you choose today to give it all away?" As this quote popped into my head it made me think again, after all I've been through what make today so specail? Yes, it's true, i feel beat up, broken down, and torn, but I will not let this break me. I have not gone through so much to stay down now. Yet getting back up this time will require a lot of help, and strength that I don't have yet so I'll be in critical care on bed rest, and I will fight this.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Goal Setting from the lululemon website :)

So while flipping across blogs that show neat how to hair do's and DIY projects, I got thinking, "okay, so I lost a lot of who I thought I was, so who am I now?" Well, I've lost a lot of things I used to enjoy doing, to these illnesses and I'm not going to get that "normal" back but what can this "new normal" look like? It's time to regroup and figure out what I'm still capable of. Perhaps, I'll have a weekly goal. 

For starters I need to learn to be honest, and genuine in dealing with these on going illnesses, while being around others. Which means I need to learn to express myself and learn to discuss this heavy secret so that people can choose to either except that I have limits, and that the way I feel does not make sense, they can choose to feel however they want about it. or not. But I need to start sticking up for myself and care about how I feel over how everyone else will respond, and if they'll accept me or not. A lot of the time I rather keep my head down deal with it on my own or revert to lying rather than telling the truth, as the result is other people stumbling around trying to find something to say, or being really awkward or just pushing me into what they think would be best. Most often every result is bound to have a common ground, which is a lack of understanding. I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay all the time, and it's okay that others don't understand, but most importantly I shouldn't be so concerned with their reactions those are their's to deal with, they need to learn and I need to be proactive and not such a afriady-cat.

Second, It's time to stop working towards getting back to my old normal and start regrouping and working on figuring out what my new normal looks like. So here I am, moving on with life while grieving forward. I've accepted that this isn't going away, and so I've discovered my bodies limit's, which is most physical activities, and the majority of foods, such as raw veggies, or fruits, anything with grease or oil, and well anything spiced or hard to digest. So I eat a lot of soup, bread, rice, and mushy stuff. Yet, I need to learn to make this grossly bland diet exciting and well even just a tad bit better. 

Thirdly, I should give this body of mine some grace as it has new boundaries which I've stubbornly learnt I should be careful not to cross. I used to enjoy being active through cross-country, cycling, hiking, being able to do any activity. Since I can no long handle hiking without sharp electrocuting pains in my chest, ribs, and feeling all around like I'm going to die, I need a new form of exercise to keep in shape. What I've recently learnt is that the mac store has a free app for yoga on my computer, so when I feel up to it I can do yoga and exercise in my living room. Which I admit I should make more time for. 

Forth, It's time I add a bit more balance into my life, when I got sick I hardly got around to the hobbies I did enjoy, and to be honest other than painting, my only other hobby was hanging out with friends. Although I still have two wonderful friends I still have coffee with, college life is busy and so it's hard to see them. When I had a big group I was out going and funny and totally fine in the making new friends department, but now I feel severely lacking in my abilities in that area, and now with being married, taking care of a home, husband, and going to school. I've been able to have school, cooking, cleaning, balanced into a schedule but rarely hobbies, and even rarer still making new friends. Thus I need to learn what types of hobbies I can do, and be more open to new friendships. 


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Genuine Joe Anti-Fatigue Mat with Vinyl Foam, Beveled Edge, 3 by 12-Feet, Black

  • Anti-fatigue mat
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Anti-fatigue mat offers 3/8" thick vinyl foam structure to provide support that reduces fatigue and discomfort. ribbed surface increases safety.

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Wednesday, October 9, 2013


The last few weeks my pain has gradually gone from a 7/10 to 9/10, I've gone in to the doctor and the Ultrasound and EV tests came back clear as always theres nothing on paper to show what's going on. The walk-in Dr. hardly cared enough to look at me she just sat there looking at the screen, pushed on my stomach where it hurts of course and then dismissed me with a requisition for more tests and a prescription for Tylenol 3 which has not even touched this pain.

Theres a dreadful feeling that I could always be like this. In pain with no answers. Speaking of which the blood test results came back and my iron is still awfully low which means I'm losing blood somewhere or I'm not producing enough. Yet, I know I'm losing it somewhere as I see it every now and then in the most uncomfortable places. The stool tests for parasites, and blood are still not back after at least three weeks...which is not a good sign. Food is still not digesting in me, which makes it seem redundant to eat as I can't break it down, it hurts my intestines, and it clearly does not want to stay in me. When the pain grew unbearable I went in to the Dr. last week originally it seemed like appendix yet, the Dr. said that I have all the symptoms of colon cancer so I am completing testing for it. I think the most troublesome factor is that my chronic fatigue has doubled and I feel as if I haven't slept in months. I can't hardly focus on school which is frustrating cause I'm already a touch behind I feel like I push sooooo hard to stay awake, pretend I'm not in brutal amounts of pain just to keep going and I'm still not doing good enough. Theres a million things I need to do and no time to do them, and no strength to do them. I've come to a point where it's all I can do to just survive the day, just not go to the hospital, to just get out of bed. I stare at my text rereading the same page five times and not remembering a thing a going back and trying again. I push really really hard so it's not notice that I've taken the max amount of strong painkillers. I push really really hard so that it's not noticed how far I'm falling. And at times I just want to give up, and lie down. I just want the pain to stop and be normal again. I'm trying so hard and watching everything pass me by, I'm trying so hard to not show the cracks in my armour, to not show weakness. Just keep pretending.

There's a mask I wear, and armour I put on as I get up and ready for the day. A mask to hide tears, the pain, and the doubt. The armour to show strength where behind it only lies weakness, the armour shiny and new makes the mistakes so discreat that they can be passed off as

I feel guilty and ashamed of being so weak, I try to hide the cracks in the armour I'm really discreat. It looks so nice and shiny on the surface. I buff the outter layers and keep them looking new because if anyone saw the cracks the armour might just crumble

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Once Upon a Foggy Thursday

Today has come and gone, with my head in an absolute fog. As my body works out a cold sweat and some deep chest and back pains that remind me of what it would feel like to get hit by a piece of wood thats kicking back out of a plainer in a woodworking class. And so, I'm left desperately trying to focus on studying for my midterms, and praying that I do well in spite of this awful, thick as pea soup fog that I can barely think through. 

The Adventures of Tom and Sally

Part 1 Once upon a time…as all great stories start; “Tom” was sitting in a Starbuck’s on the East side of the universe, drinking his morning tea. When a girl in a yellow trench coat walks in; heading straight for the till, and waiting patiently in line till she reaches the barista and in a small quiet voice the girl orders a venti orange mocha with 2 shots of esspresso. After paying, she proceeds to wait at the counter for her coffee with a sleepy smile on her face. When the coffee arrives she sips it, and wanders out to her parked UFO. Which lucky for Tom, wouldn’t start. And so excitedly, Tom got up…Thinking of how this could be a sign, to go and talk to the mysterious girl? Yet just as he had walked over to the door, and was about to step outside, “Sally’s” UFO started up with a bang(!) That instantly made “Tom” jump back from the shock of the loud engine's noise. And so “Sally," unaware of “Tom’s” existence by the door, was oblivious to this unusual boy and flew off.

And so for now Tom and Sally are like two butterflies that have never met. 
          ~ a story written by, ElysiaB ~

note: if you like this story let me know and I'll add part two soon :) also if you have ideas for adding to this story let me know and I'll add them in :)

in Dutch:
Vandaag de dag is gekomen en gegaanmet mijn hoofd in een absolute mist. Alsmijn lichaam werkt een koud zweet en een diepe borst en rug pijn die meherinneren aan hoe het zou voelen om geraakt te worden door een stuk hout dat is terug te slaan uit een duidelijker in een houtbewerking klasse. En zo ben iklinks wanhopig proberen om zich te concentreren op de studie voor mijntentamens, en bidden dat ik het goed doen, ondanks deze afschuwelijkedik alserwtensoep mist, dat ik nauwelijks kan door te denken.

De avonturen van Tom en Sally

Deel 1 Once upon a time ... zoals alle grote verhalen te starten; "Tom" zat in eenStarbuck's aan de oostzijde van het universum, het drinken van zijn 's ochtendsthee. Wanneer een meisje in een gele regenjas wandelingen in; rubriek directvoor de kassaen wachten geduldig in de lijn totdat ze bereikt de barista en in een kleine, rustige stem van het meisje bestelt een ventilatie oranje mokka mettwee schoten van esspressoNa het betalenze overgaat tot aan de balie vanhaar koffie te wachten met een slaperige glimlach op haar gezichtAls de koffieaankomt ze slokkenen wandelt naar haar geparkeerde UFO. Die gelukkig voorTomzou niet starten. En zo opgewondenTom stond op ... Het denken over hoedit kan een teken zijn, om te gaan en naar het mysterieuze meisje praten? Maarnet zoals hij had liep naar de deur en stond op het punt om naar buiten testappen"Sally's" UFO gestart met een uitroepteken (!) Die direct gemaakt "Tom" springen terug van de schok van het geluid van de luidruchtige motorEn zo"Sally," zich niet bewust van "Tom's" bestaan ​​door de deurwas zich niet bewust van deze bijzondere jongen en vloog weg.

En dus voor nu Tom en Sally zijn als twee vlinders die nooit hebben ontmoet.
           ~ Een verhaal geschreven doorElysiaB ~

Let op: als je van dit verhaal laat het me weten en ik zal deel twee al snel toe te voegen:) ook als u ideeën voor de toe te voegen aan dit verhaal laat het me wetenen ik zal ze toe te voegen in:)

In Arabic:

لقد حان اليوم وذهب ، مع رأسي في ضباب مطلقة. كما يعمل بها جسدي عرق بارد، وبعض الصدر العميقة وآلام في الظهر أن يذكرني ما من شأنه أن يشعر وكأنه ضرب من قبل للحصول على قطعة من الخشب thats الركل التراجع عنابسط في فئة الخشب. وهكذا، أنا تركت محاولة يائسة للتركيز على دراسة لانتخابات التجديد النصفي بلدي ، وأدعو الله أن أفعل جيدا على الرغم من هذا الضباب حساء البازلاء النكراء، سميكة كما أن أستطيع أن أفكر بصعوبة.

مغامرات توم وسالي

الجزء 1 ذات مرة... وجميع القصص العظيمة بدء ؛ "توم" كان يجلس في لستاربوك على الجانب الشرقي من الكون، وشرب الشاي له صباح اليوم. عندما يصدر عن فتاة في معطف أصفر يمشي في الخندق؛ يتجه مباشرة للغاية،والانتظار بصبر حتى في خط وصولها للباريستا وبصوت هادئ الفتاة الصغيرة اوامر البرتقال فينتي موكا مع 2طلقات esspressoبعد دفع، فهي حصيلة للانتظار في العداد لقهوتها مع ابتسامة هادئة على وجهها. عندما يصلانها رشفات القهوة عليها ، ويتجول إلى UFO لها متوقفة. وهو محظوظ لتوم، لن تبدأ. وذلك بحماس، وحصلت علىتوم... حتى التفكير في كيف يمكن أن تكون علامة، للذهاب والتحدث مع الفتاة الغامضة؟ حتى الآن تماما كما كان قدمشى الى الباب ، وكان على وشك خطوة خارج، بدأت "سالي" UFO مع دويا (!) هي التي تجعل الفور "توم" القفزمرة أخرى من الصدمة للضوضاء الصاخبة لمحرك. وهكذا "سالي" ، لم يكن على علم بوجود "توم" من قبل الباب ،غافلة عن هذا الصبي غير عادية ، وطار.

وحتى الان توم وسالي هي مثل اثنين من الفراشات التي لم تتحقق.
           ~ قصة يكتبها، ElysiaB ~

ملاحظة : إذا كنت مثل هذه القصة اسمحوا لي أن أعرف وأنا سوف تضاف قريبا الجزء الثاني :) أيضا إذا كان لديك أفكار لإضافة لهذه القصة اسمحوا لي أن أعرف وأنا سوف إضافتها في :)

In Chinese


第1部分曾几何时......所有伟大的故事开始,“汤姆”坐在星巴克的对宇宙的东侧,喝他的早茶。当一个女孩在一个黄色的风衣走在直奔钱柜,耐心排队等候,直到她到达咖啡师和一个小女孩订单VENTI橙色摩卡2杆的esspresso平静的声音。支付后,她继续在她的咖啡柜台等待一个困倦的笑容在她的脸上。当到达咖啡她啜饮它,和徘徊,她停飞碟。汤姆幸运,将无法启动。所以兴冲冲地,汤姆站了起来... ...如何,这可能是一个标志,去和他谈话的神秘少女的思考?然而,就像他走到门口,正要步外,“萨莉的”不明飞行物开始了一个感叹号(!),可即时作出“汤姆”跳大声发动机的噪音冲击 萨莉,”不知道“汤姆的”门的存在,无视这个不寻常的男孩,飞走了。



In Spanish

Hoy en día se ha ido y venido, con la cabeza en una niebla absoluta. Comofunciona mi cuerpo un sudor frío y un pecho profundo y los dolores de espaldaque me recuerdan de lo que se siente al ser golpeado por un trozo de maderaeso es que el retroceso de una más clara en una clase de carpintería. Y así, me quedo desesperadamente tratando de concentrarse en el estudio de miexámenes parciales, y rezando para que me va bien, a pesar de la niebla sopahorrible, grueso como un guisante que apenas puedo pensar en ello.

Las aventuras de Tom y Sally

Parte 1 Érase una vez ... como todas las grandes historias comienzan, "Tom"Estaba sentado en una de Starbuck en el lado este del universo, bebiendo su té de la mañana. Cuando una niña con una gabardina amarilla camina, dirigiéndose directamente a la caja, y esperando pacientemente en la cola hasta que llega albarista y con una voz pequeña y tranquila, la chica pide una ventilación mochanaranja con dos disparos de esspresso. Después de pagar, se procede a esperaren el mostrador de su café con una sonrisa en su rostro soñoliento. Cuando el café llega sorbos, y se pasea a sus estacionado OVNI. Que por suerte para Tom,no arrancaba. Y así, con entusiasmo, Tom se levantó ... Pensando en cómo esto podría ser una señal para ir a hablar con la chica misteriosa? Sin embargo, tal como él se había acercado a la puerta, y estaba a punto de salir, empezó a"Sally" UFO con un signo de exclamación (!) Que instantáneamente "Tom" saltar hacia atrás por el impacto de ruido del motor es alta. Y así, "Sally", consciente de"Tom" la existencia de la puerta, era ajeno a este niño extraño y salió volando.

Y así que por ahora Tom y Sally son como dos mariposas que no se conocen.
           ~ Una historia escrita por, ElysiaB ~

Nota: Si te gusta esta historia, hágamelo saber y voy a agregar la segunda partepronto:) También, si usted tiene ideas para agregar a esta historia, hágamelo saber y voy a añadir en:)