“Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?”

Often I find it hard to let people see me when I'm really sick, some treat you with looks of pity, others treat you like a china doll and others ignore you. (perhaps because they don't know what to say) It's hard to know what to say to someone who has a disorder thats not going to go away. I don't even know what to say, or how to deal with it. But similar to someone dealing with grief they don't need someone to say the right thing, they just really need a friend. Cause when you deal with something that changes your life you grieve things you'll never get to do, and you learn new limits every day. Today I found myself pondering this question of, “Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?” I look around and see people getting things done fast, graduating in the proper 4 years, and going out to hangout with people. And as much as I try it's hard not to compare yourself, cause trying so hard and still floundering feels like I'm the only person in world racing around in slow-motion while the world flies by around me. Yet, I then get really excited when I do things like get an A on a midterm. People brush it off or are sad they didn't get an A+ but to me; I worked extra hard for that A it took 4 weeks of studying hard through bouts of flu's  to get. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g to me, like a gold medal, I just want to tell everyone cause I'm so proud. This disorder all though very lonely, has given me a new appreciation for accomplishments, big or small, getting an A to doing dishes. I thank God for that aspect of this circumstance because I appreciate his help and all the things we can do together.

Today I woke up, ate breakfast, studied, then put on my recording of class lectures as I did yoga, and dishes, and then studied my notes some more. Yet, I feel as though I have a filled all my server space up in this brain and need some extra ram, drive, GB, a new disk? anything really! I've been shaky lately which has caused me to start dropping things, its like i have grease on my hands, I get so frustrated and embarrassed. I have 3 hours of energy and then am entrenched in a foggy state that comes and goes, thus studying is feeling like a war I don't thinking I'm winning. So I switched it up from writing out flashcards to writing lines in my note book which surprisingly has helped. Probably due to the fact that often I forget what I wrote, right after I wrote it. So writing a point out a few times is more likely to stick. I'm going to see my doctor soon about this awful cough I have had for 3 weeks it's like a bear trying to growl it's way out. If past lives and reincarnation were truly possibly, perhaps the bear inside me holds some truth, I feel like my sleep pattern may line up too. I mean I'm always tired perhaps I should be hibernating, it sounds kinda nice. Any who, I need to tell my doctor about the cough that has not gone away, the back that extra, and extra other painkillers still aren't helping and also that I feel like my memory is getting worse. Which is possible due to Hashimoto's, it effects far too much. I'm sore and very very sleep so Goodnight all I'm off to hibernate :)