As pulsating pains throb in my head, I wonder why the sudden onset of more symptoms; electric pains, chest pains, dizziness, high heart rate, and this odd sensation of, waves of pain filled numb tingles that pulsate from head to toe. It's like my heart isn't getting enough blood to my hands as fast as it needs to. The last is the oddest and most worry some symptom to deal with tonight, as it is just so incredibly painful and confusing. It started with cold numb tingling in my hands, and grew to a hard to describe feeling over this past week. Its like this painful tingling sensation that seems to pulsate, but not like a regular heart beat it goes, fast a few times and then regular and then fast again; but at the same time it feels like when a phone gets fuzzy and I feel like sometime I feel my own body cutting out on me.
I'm light-headed and dizzy when standing or walking, which isn't unusual for me but seems a lot worse recently. The other thing troubling me is these really sharp stabbing pains that come with out warning, stabbing my lower right side and chest.... I suppose I should go in to the dr. but I'm having a hard enough time concentrating on anything, or focusing on things. So as I type my thoughts out forgive me if I get scatter brained...I feel a tad like a cow that needs prodding to move or do anything. My husband and I were watching this show on discovery channel about how they transport cows on big boats to get them to other markets in other countries. During the show you see the cows getting loaded on to the boats and as the cow rounds the corner off the truck and looks at the ramp on to the boat, theres this stubborn ox look that says,"Oh, hells no!" or "you expect me to go up that!HA!" and then the cow starts reversing his arse backwards into the truck bed. Thats how I feel when I'm flooded with pain as I open my eyes in the morning...or parts of the day as I endure the constant pain. On the show the australian cowboys start hollering and prodding at the cattle all the way up the boat. As I watched it was a very interesting show but I couldn't help feeling as though I could relate to those cows all week. I'm on as much tylenol and pain killers as I can be on but, it's not even close to enough. So, in both hope and desperation I continue to my search, scanning the internet for what the doctors are missing.
As well I continue to try to push past my fatigue and pain and have attempted, a bike ride this past weekend. I was excited to be on my bike in general as I haven't other than in the living room when I attempt to exercise. (explanation, we have a stand it fits into and is held up like a stationary bike, the wheels just spin. So you see I do not bike around this tiny place like a weirdo! he he) Any who, we threw our bikes in the car and took them down to Fort Langley where theres a very pretty trail along a river. I started out with my husband enjoying it but, about halfway I was in so much excruciating pain we had to take breaks as we turned around and headed back. Although my pain reared it's ugly ugly head, I count this as a win for me as I tried my best, and that's whats important at this point. When we left the house this morning we talked with our neighbours before getting in the car and heading out, and I was asked how I was doing and if the doctors figured it out yet. This is a weary question as it's been 4 years of us no answers and although I am trying to accept that I'm going to deal with this for a while, any way I look at it I cannot accept my doctors conclusion: simply that we may never know. I thought it was hard choking down this pill that I'm living in awful pain that causes constant visits with specialists and the dr.'s I know by name in the ER. But accepting not ever knowing what is going on in my body is just beyond cruel, I mean its that dark thought in the back of my head, I don't say it out loud for fear it'd make it more real...my acceptance at this moment can only be stretched so far. Like a rubber band if stretched to far I may spring back to being frustrated with even having to accept that I can't do what I want to, as in get out of bed or go hangout with friends without being half distracted by pain. I'm not telling him, he's mean when he says that and that Im mad that it sounds like he's giving up on me. Because thats mean, there's somethings you just don't say to someone dealing with high high amounts of pain on a daily basis, it makes it seem as though your sorry to tell me this but your really not, cause your bored with having me in and out of your office so often. Doctors need more tact I think, but so does the world. At least I can still say I get up each day, even when everything hurts and I try my best to do the most that I can. Some days the most I can is very little but others it's a bit more, like I mopped our house yesterday and I even cleaned the walls too! Okay true I pushed to far and ended up hurting, but I kept trying and went on the bike ride when I thought I felt better, which made me sicker. But the point is I tried and that is a feat in it's self when dealing with pain. With chronic pain of any sort, you can say what you know you
can do; but it changes from day to day that the next you might not be able to and then have overcommitted yourself. And on the other end, you can say you can't handle doing things like going hiking, or biking, but unless you keep trying every now and then you might surprise yourself. It's important to keep trying, as often we can get stuck in a rut when we stop trying. Some accept that there in pain and can't do anything they want to too easily, they stay in bed or stop trying all together and that's very sad and understandable. As it's not easy mentally to deal with pain chronically, I get that, but don't lose hope or sight of trying because then you lose so much more than just your ability to do things. I know it's hard and I know very very well that it hurts but, I'm not taking this lying down and neither should anyone else.
Simply put giving up is the easy way out, trying is hard. When I can't plan my future, because I can't tell you what pain level tomorrow may bring, and all I know is this constant pain, this constant struggle, it's not just hard. Hard is an understatement. But that's always where faith steps in for me, I can't see the future, to say if I can handle having kids someday, I can't even see a few months ahead. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going through school to follow my dream of being a crisis counsellor, I can't say how I'm going to get through classes, I can't book a vacation in advance cause I can't say I'll be okay for it. Day by day it's hard, but each day my goal is simple and consistent, to try.
On another note,
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) was an Austrian neurologist who founded the practice of psychoanalysis, a system espousing the theory that unconscious motives dictate much of human behavior. He was a large support of atheism, similar to Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota, who once said, “Organized
religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.” Agreeing with him is pornographer Larry Flynt, who commented, “There's nothing good I can say about it [religion]. People use it as a crutch.” Ted Turner once simply said, "Christianity is a religion for losers!" Ventura, Flynt, Turner, and others who think like them view Christians as being emotionally feeble and in need of imaginary support to get through life. Their insinuation is that they themselves are strong and in no need of a supposed God to help them with their lives. The odd thing however is although there are famous people who view religion in general, not only christianity as a crutch, it is interesting and at least very notable that I have never heard of any famous people of whom suffered in life, and also held these same views. It's interesting how vocally against religion, faith, and God, people can be when they are doing well or having a normal good life.
My question is what do they do when they find out they have cancer, or untreatable disorders? Do they rally for the right of euthanasia? Or how else do they deal with a life of suffering and chronic pain? It's well known that when a guy comes into rob a bank, when buildings collapse, or more recently a guy goes into a movie theatre and shoots people, in these moment people cry out to God. Maybe they're not religiously specific and I don't think thats what matters, the point is they cry out to whatever they believe is out there. Contrary to Freud, I believe that this may be because some people have an illusion that if life is good and they have no need for a God, they do not find religion appealing. However when illness, trauma, or crisis enters their lives they cry out, to 'a' God. This idea of an illusion is more that they live happy lives without him and therefore don't need him, until crisis enters at which they proceed to get mad at 'a' God or cry for help to him. The illusion being that they are kidding themselves, this makes me wonder if deep within every human we take in the awe of the world and cannot deny that there is a divine design. I'm inclined to believe this because, when I study the anatomy of the brain I cannot help but be in awe of how intricate it is. I can understand people getting angry and turning away from God, or denying his existence based on his lack of being more like a genie, or which ever they believe justifies their choice, that's for them to deal with and work through. But, I have a very hard time understanding how people can be atheist, when divine design is all around them. What is their reasoning for the way their pain sensors send message to their brains telling them to pull their hand away from a hot kettle as they touch it. Even scientists cannot duplicate these pain sensors in a glove form to help lepers as it is too intricate and complex a design. (Philip Yancey goes into depth about this in his book:
Where is God when it Hurts?) However, I'd be especially interested in learning how atheist deal with this issue of suffering...here, comedian Dane Cook raises a valid point to me in his joke,
"He sneezed. debris's floating every where. Now at this point, I'm disgusted. And I'm grossed out by it. And at first, I'm thinking 'I'm going to go off on this guy'. And then I decided, 'Wait a second, Dane. Don't do that. Take the high road. Try to be polite'. So I turn to him and this is what I said. I looked at him and I went: 'Uh, God bless you' I say 'God bless you' by the way when someone sneezes. I don't say 'Bless you'. I don't say that because... I am not the lord. I can't do that. I'm just a messenger for big guns upstairs, you know what I'm saying? And I never go with 'Gesundheit'. I don't even know who says that. If I say 'Gesundheit', I feel like I'm honoring Hitler. Like I should be like 'Gesundheit!'. I end up on the History Channel 'cause a guy sneezed. 'God bless you'. This is what the guy comes back with. Here's where it starts to get out of control. The guy looks at me and very condescendingly goes: 'Uh, yeah. I'm an atheist'. What a jerk, right? I'm trying to be polite. I don't know you're an atheist. And even if I did, what am I supposed to say when an atheist sneezes? 'Uh, yeah, when you die, nothing happens'."
Another interesting question that is worth mention is how other religions explain the reasons for undeserved human suffering. (undeserved because most feel some people deserve what they get) So perhaps next post I'll think more on that but for now there's an interesting article on it.
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2005/01/Why-Bad-Things-Happen.aspx
~ElysiaB
A day without a perdurable is like a day without sunshine
