Dorothy Thompson, said, “Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.” I wish I was no longer afraid of making decisions, especially the big life changing ones like how old do I want to be when I have kids, What career choice will work best with our lives, and how will we afford things. I don't know, I don't know, and please can we talk about these later, or can I think about that and get back to you,... at this moment in time is the best answers I can give. Yet, I know I have to keep going, life doesn't stop for disorders and if I stop moving forward I end up being like a rock in a flowing river. The water of life will flow around past me, and essentially not deciding on anything and standing still is action through inaction. So, I am taking this reading week, break-time to think things through more, research ideas, draw up spreadsheets, and pro's and con's lists and perhaps even come to some conclusions. (I hope!) The thing that holds me back from making these decisions is being afraid of my disorders effects on my life. I have no control over food, sleep patterns, muscles sometimes, pain levels, energy levels, anything really. And honestly it's been really really hard. I don't know what the plan is for my life, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know each day I wake up and see this painting (below) which says, "Good morning, This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today, and I will not need your help, so have a good day!" I can't help but smile because, I know he goes before me, and with me through each step I take. 
I have a disorder that is noticeable and reminds me daily that most of my choices are not my own, I can't plan or choose to be well enough for school, or life, but I can choose how I will react to the events that happen. Throughout these struggles the past few months I can see growth in being more honest with myself and others. Its hard to let people see you for how you are, for some reason we all try to look so perfect. Yet, in truth some days are awesome and I'm happy, and there are other days when I'm just trying to take deep breathes and hold it all together, it's life. Disorder or not no one has it all together, we each have struggles and yet we plan ahead and state that this is our plan for life, to be a doctor, a photographer, or pastor; we're going to have a certain number of children and yet no one really knows how life is going to go except God. In that way I feel less afraid of having no control over my disorder, and circumstances because I am at peace in his hands.
When I was a little girl I would stay up late under the covers reading the book of Proverbs because I wanted to be wise like solomon. I wanted to know what was the wisest thing to do and here I sit still wanting to know. The uncertainty of neuropathic pain and why one drug works over another seems highly undiscovered so far, and so I am on the strongest pain medications they can give me to treat the neuropathic and fibromyalgia pains. I worry that my liver may become to damaged from medications, or that I won't be able to keep going, that I'll start losing everything I'm fighting so hard to keep. I lost a course already, and that really sucked cause I know I tried my hardest, yet I know also that I need not worry as each day has been foreseen and each day I enter with a very big God.
I wonder what he's up to.
~ElysiaB
| “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” | |
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