LIfe is hard but so very Beautiful

Yesterday, I awoke in a groggy daze when my vision was still kinda blurred. And then as if remembering that it was time to get up, my body ached it's morning time ache, and I scrambled to get my legs beneath my body. The rest of the day, to be quite honest was a blur, there was stuff on my to do list so I raced here and there, all over the house... 'twas a cross between married-wifely duties, and oh-shooooot-we-have-fleas. So I whipped thru that list, then went out for coffee, came home and realized I have no idea where that cat the vet told me to watch went... looking high and low, in all her favourite hiding spots, the games box, on the sleeping bags, in the closet, on my chair, above the microwave, and everywhere in-between but alas no cat was found. Until I realized I went into the laundry room for a minute before getting called away...and upon a further search there behind the hot water tank is a little tiny cone surrounded face...poor snuffle-ufagous. Then suddenly it hit me, that growly angry tummy, I stopped everything and looked down at it like, oh dear, that was me...and in that moment I realized I hadn't eaten lunch.

As I stopped to think about it, this summer was harder than other summers past, it hurt more. As one DR. appointment after another dragged the summer away, waiting on test after test, and it was just plain hard. Monday I was afraid, and I cried out of pure frustration. This may seem strange if you've never endured chronic pain, or the frustration of our canadian medical system. Afraid because this school year has arrived and being on higher doses of Lyrica (strong pain medication) I feel a bit more energetic, like I can handle more. Thus I have challenged myself and taken three courses this semester. However, my fear is encouraged by the daunting voice in the back of my head telling me I can't do it, that I'll need surgery and then how will I continue, I could get sicker, and that life right now is too hard to continue to challenge myself. That voice is my own worst enemy and I don't agree with it. It makes me sad thinking of those fears yet I know I can push a little harder, I can go a little further, and every day I do it. Giving up is the easy way out. Life gets hard, the pain gets worse, but I feel like the little train that could, on those days I just keep saying "I think I can, I think I can...I know I can, I know I can..." there's so much wisdom to be found in children's books that apply to us even as we get older.....I would go as far as to say that those books apply more to us now as adults than as kids. There are struggles that I don't want to walk thru, there is sorrow I don't want to bear, but there is also hope. Hope and patience are virtues that as long as we hold on to them, the pain might not be so hard to bear each day.

When it is hard to hope and our patience seems thin we look up to and ask for help to a very big God who truly understands. And I think the healthiest part is that we can dialogue with God, about the pain he has asked us to walk thru. We can even go so far as to get angry as many others have in the past. We can come to him with all our emotions and in my opinion that's where the depth of my relationship with God dwells, in the ability to tell him I'm really frustrated, mad, confused, and scared because I don't understand why he has given me this kind of pain. Often I think of Job and his dialogue with God, I think he learnt more through that dialogue than he did in any devotional times he may have had, because he got to express his ugly feelings, the ones that most think you can not bring to God. In doing this he learnt to better trust God's judgement, he was put in his place when he got out of line, and in the end had a fuller understanding of who God is.

I think expression is hard because similarly with the church you might feel like your burdening the church with the heavy path your walking, when the church should be a place to share your burden. Often we don't bring angry emotions to God because we think it's a bad thing to do, we think it's too heavy, or inappropriate. He's a really Big God, that is bigger than your view of him. He can handle a child getting mad at him, just as a parent can handle sitting with a child that's angry and doesn't understand. I think if we make our relationship one-sided and share only the good stuff or only the bad stuff, or even only ask him for help but never say thank you...then perhaps we have put God in a box labeled "use in case of______". He is big and he is to be feared but he is good and also wants to know all the details of your life, why not try him? Test out your relationship with him by offering more of yourself, more areas of your life. He is not a genie, He is a father, a creator, and many more. This is my struggle I try to do it on my own when he's always there to help carry the load. It's easy to be frustrated with the church and complain that its like this, or like that, because we expect more of christians yet forget that they are just human trying thier best and in no way are they infallible. We get mad easily when the church or christians let us down yet do we tell them? It is not a good reflection of God when christians fail to be christ to each other. But as Ghandi said we need to be the change we wish to see in our world. Thus I want to be someone friends can come to, if you have a heavy burden let me lighten your load, if you need a cup of coffee and someone to listen I'll drop what I'm doing and put on some coffee.

~ElysiaB