Thy-What!?! Are you listening to me? How could you do this to me? How can you be sooo tiny yet do so much damage? Today dear thyroid I have levels of frustrations towards you are onion layers deep, and similarly thinking about them also cause me to tear up. There are so many that every time I attempt to write you I get to sad to finish. So here's another try at saying everything that needs to be said, thats been weighing on me.
It seems even when I show great strides of strength and prove to myself I'm still capable, you ruin it by being invisible to everyone else. I know I don't want them to treat me different with pity but I do want them to be happy with me for my big accomplishments. Yet can I really have both? I know I can't, I can't continually not tell people when I'm doing poorly and then be hurt when they don't understand.
But, thyroid I feel like your not even trying to help anymore. I feel like I feel too much. It's date night but it got cancelled on account of having a hard time to figure out what to do. So it's moved to tomorrow. So That means I should probably be making dinner now but again I feel so incredibly warn out and frustrated that I just don't want to.
The endurance it takes to have an invisible illness like you to piggy back with me everywhere, wears heavily on me and other like me. Dear thyroid just so you know carrying you around all this time is literally hurting my back, the rules of piggy backing does not mean you can bring friends, or bags, and your emotional baggage weighs a ton, who do you think you are!
You've carved away so much of my life to fit yourself, and your needs in. I've lost so much of myself to you. Book being read for counselling courses remind me that , "It's only natural that loss brings grieving - the loss can be of a person, a position, a place, or physical loss and health loss. Last week it weighed heavily on my mind, as I was bed ridden due to gradually worse pains, plus a new cold with a seal like barking cough. It's hard to watch other's get the same cold and bounce back a few days later, when it is currently still knocking my socks off. But others are different from me and thats okay.
Throughout this process of learning to live with the hashimoto's thyrioditis, neuropathic pain, and unknown cause of pain, as I have mentioned before, I feel bad like i'm being an elephant in the room, and frankly I'd rather lie about feelings than express them. When I lie about how I feel, I still feel bad for lying but I rather lie then tell the truth as others feel awkward and stubble around to find what to say, or don't understand. It makes me feel worse when people hear the truth and then treat me differently, or pity me, it just makes me feel weaker like a victim. And I was taught not to play the victim.
So then, it's hard to safely feel like it’s ok to not be strong all the time. because I'm not "so strong" no, I’m really not. I’ve used maladaptive coping skills giving everyone the illusion of strength ..why? because everyone distances from real pain … vicious cycle. Thus lie or truth I feel bad either way the difference is others feelings. I don't like to make others uncomfortable when I say how I am, but I also don't like feeling uncomfortable from pity. Yet, "how are you?" is a an excessively used opening liner. And I could be vague but then I feel like I'm lying anyway.
Oh, thyroid when we started seeing doctors and specialists 4-5 years ago I immediately began looking forward to the day when they would decode what my illness is and I would be back to normal. That's what I was working towards, getting back to my old self. It took me till these last few months to start to realize that this was not going to happen. I was different. My body had changed in nearly every way possible. I was not going to get back to my old “normal.” Do you know how shocking it was to realize that truth? I can't even describe the feelings they were and are so fresh still. I liked the old normal. Wait, no. I LOVED my old normal. To realize that I couldn’t have my old normal back was heartbreaking. I wept. I grieved. And I got stuck..
I wanted to go back to how life used to be but I couldn’t find a way to make that happen. I tried pushing myself harder to be able to do the same things, and I just kept falling on my face getting back up and pushing my body harder. And You know what? It’s not possible to go back to my old "normal". Receiving a diagnosis is earth-shattering and life-altering but so is not receiving one, yet still being ill. I eventually am trying to accept that I CAN NOT be the same as I used to be. It just isn’t possible. But, still i grieve for my old normal. With time and help, I came to learn that it is possible to grieve FORWARD. What does that mean? It means I learned that I can grieve and weep and miss who I used to be and simultaneously move forward with life. For real? Yes, for real. Once I accepted the fact that I can’t go back to who I used to be, I could start seeking life. Here’s the thing, though—I had to take a step. Here’s what my first step forward looked like: getting out of bed, getting dressed, getting out of the house, and doing something productive. No, it doesn’t sound like much, but that first step was HARD. It was easier to grieve for my old life without trying to live a new one. But there was no satisfaction in that. Accepting my new normal doesn’t make me stop missing my old normal, but accepting my new normal DID allow me to take that step forward towards life. And I found that moving forward means moving toward hope.
I hate that some level of illness can prevent me from being who I was, it may be hard to relate to but it is a devastating loss. and so grieving over that loss helps start the healing to move on with life. Because dear thyroid, I get it you didn't mean to fail life just happens. The pain is unexplained and somethings in life we may never have answers to.
So my tyrant-thyroid I'm left in the wreckage of your failure, and there are organs being impacted, and hurt every where. The aftermath of our car crash still feels so fresh, because it is. The wounds are still open, and I don't know how to patch it back together. I'm not going to lie to you, I don't like this new bodies boundaries, or this new life. I want my old pieces back cause it's hard to let go. I feel too much. I feel isolated, even those I make an extreme amount of effort to see and care about, seem to still treat me like I was. Its hard to let go of my old normal when it's the standard I'm held to.
Yesterday I made a huge accomplishment, I hiked up the big, windy, hill that leads to my school, and I made it walking all by myself, that was HUGE. I talk about it and I get two reactions, some people are like so what? you walked up a hill. And others are like well, if that seems huge to you I guess you won't be able to go do.....fill in exciting adventure here... These reaction BLOW majorly!!! I did something big and I was persistent in getting to the top, in the cold snowy weather that made all my pains worse, I even turned down a ride up because I wanted to prove myself wrong that I could still do things. so those comments kinda hurt and unlike the sermon I heard in chapel, I did not guard my heart. Yet, I have come to accept that most people I interact with on a daily basis are not going to understand what I'm going through. and so I'm trying to teach myself that it is okay to not be completely understood cause I too don't completely understand what other people are going through either. this is a three steps forward two steps back kind of learning process.
It's hard to deal with emotions and pain I'd rather one or the other. I'd rather the pain almost more then the emotions on top. I get sooo tired and utterly exhausted I feel like I've crashed again. I wonder if the welbutrin no longer works, because I remember feeling awake when I started it. Yet, Even as I type up this update I feel my eye lids half closed and drooping, my head sore throbbing away, and just oh so much pain. Its hard to push on today when I hardly feel awake let alone the effort it takes to be happy or sad or in a mood I'm just kinda blah...this week the worst is the tired exhaustion by far. It's hard not to feel like crap when your feeling like your recovering from being ran over by a semi lol. I'm trying though. Last night I couldn't sleep so there I am 2 am sitting in the kitchen whispering my prayers to God. I felt calm and at peace talking with him, it's like he was just sitting there with me listening. I love those moments when we spend time together, I feel comforted, and stronger. but mostly I don't feel so alone in this, and that's big right now just to feel like he understands and he's so close. It's an amazing thing to have faith, and a relationship with a God that is always there. I can't do this on my own strength I feel like I've crashed, but on his strength, I know I'm going to be okay.
~ElysiaB
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