So midterms have ended and I have written three huge term papers of each 15+ pages and now I'm coming to this last project and I'm trying I really am to push through this I just have to write one more research paper, plus put together a handout of resources, and put together a powerpoint. At first it was the topic that held me back, it reminded me of a really hard and desperate place I was in at 13 years old. Having to grow up too fast, deal with issues I shouldn't have been aware of, and so of course the topic I'm randomly assigned is based on a coping mechanism I know all too well. Yes, writing, and presenting it will help me and Lord, I bet you gave that teacher the idea of giving it to me, I mean it's too coincidental.
So you can see now how pushing through it, and revisiting that topic is, like the last thing I want to do right now. And to make it better I'm sitting at the lounge at school working on the research for it and this other student from the same addictions counselling class, looks over at my screen and is like, "oh your doing your topic on that coping mechanism, I think a lot of teens just do that for attention..." and then she gets up and leaves. I'm sitting thinking, "wow that's insensitive, why are you in a counselling course?" but all add it to the list of things I shouldn't say outside of my head.
What she said just reminded me of those other people who at church told me that this thyroid disease was caused because I sinned in some way and it's God punishing me. Or those other people who think that thyroid disorders are fake. When people tell you that what do you say? I can't agree, cause a) I have this "fake" disorder, and b) I can't agree that my God would do that. Even if I'm thinking objectively and actually considering it my heart screams, "NO HE'S NOT LIKE THAT" just like hypothetically, if I was a child of an alcoholic and someone offers me a drink after all I've seen my loved ones go through how could I accept knowing what I know? It's like, every fibber in my body is repulsed by that idea that, I know deep in my being that my God is not like that, he is a God of mercy, patience, and above all Love. Everything good comes from him.
From God's activity in the bible it teaches us that he is sovereign, nothing happens that he doesn't know about. A lot times people say "everything happens for a reason" but it's not that God has it in his Will and has it in his plan for me to have this disorder, but because sin has entered our world, there is this our use of our freewill is and element added to our circumstances. Sometimes people do bad things, such as drunk drivers. We know that drinking too much impairs our driving and thus should take a cab but, some people choose to drive themselves home drunk. God's sovereignty works in connection with man's freewill. They freely reject the knowledge they know is right and drive in spite of being drunk. Did God will it to happen? no. Did he Allow it to happen? yes. God does not go around desiring for these bad things to be in our world, but since we live in a fallen world it happens under his permissible will. You have to have some negative things like earthquakes to stir up sediment in the ocean to keep life going on. God doesn't single out people or places for negative things they are the processes of the natural will. Some people say that God's inaction is an action, but God is not inactive as he is working through history to take it out of this world and has done something through Christ. God does want all men to be saved, but sometimes men freely reject him just as people in the old testament freely rejected christ. Yet, God's will is still accomplished through Christ dying for sins thus, saving us.
This is why I can't agree that God punishes people through diseases, yes there's probably a handful of places where you could find times he has. But the great many times he has shown mercy, patience, and providence far out weighs the handful of examples, thus it is not in his nature to do something like that. I hope those people, that tell other people that they are sick because God is punishing them learn this.
Those comments make me kinda just close up and not want to share vulnerable parts of my life with others, because truth be told I'm already a little ashamed that I don't run at the same pace as everyone else. My dreams take longer, and longer. An old friend was saying she's graduating college this year, we started school same time, but I'm still only half way. My feeling ashamed is irrational, I realize this but knowing it's irrational doesn't make it feel any less shameful. These feeling clashing with the disorder and mixed in pain sometimes, brings me down. But these feelings are real, just as yours are. Their valid and sometimes they bring me down, but then I get back up, cause really what's left to do when you fall. You either sit in mud and cry cause you got hurt trying, or you get back up and try again. For me these moments feel like being on a dirt bike going as fast as i can over hills and through trails, and sometimes you push the throttle to hard, don't see the muddy puddle and slide out into it. You land hard on your butt, in a muddy, cold puddle. In my head I'm going Ouch! and Yuck! all at the same time! It's gross! now I'm wet, sore, and dirty! So due to falling a lot as a kid, my natural reaction now is to get back up, and get back on the bike, because it's okay to fall.
Other times I don't just fall, I crash! Like this week plus last week, I've pushed myself way too hard to get through studying for exams plus being sick, Then when I knew, that I was starting to slide out, I pushed that throttle hard to get through papers but, I'm not delusional I can feel this crash coming, I just hope to finish this paper first.
Then I'm gonna not be 100% for a few weeks, my brain will try to mask my bodies pain, and make up for it in acting a bit zombie like. And although zombie's are in a daze, they're functional which beats being a mummy! And friend's will say “But you don't seem tired to me," and they're right I don't "seem" tired, I don't "seem" rundown. I push that zombie mode as far as it will go, I do what I'm able to do, and accomplish what I can, until the point comes when I can't at which I'll hide out until I regain some resemblance of strength.
Throughout my life, I'm used being a "trooper" and sucking it up, and doing it alone a lot. I'm used to being the one that supports other people, not the one who receives support. Still I realize that when I'm sick, this hiding out, and doing it alone, has made be a bit prickly. For which I am Sorry. Sometimes I forget how to put my shields down and ask for help or a hug.
~ElysiaB
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