The last few weeks my pain has gradually gone from a 7/10 to 9/10, I've gone in to the doctor and the Ultrasound and EV tests came back clear as always theres nothing on paper to show what's going on. The walk-in Dr. hardly cared enough to look at me she just sat there looking at the screen, pushed on my stomach where it hurts of course and then dismissed me with a requisition for more tests and a prescription for Tylenol 3 which has not even touched this pain.
Theres a dreadful feeling that I could always be like this. In pain with no answers. Speaking of which the blood test results came back and my iron is still awfully low which means I'm losing blood somewhere or I'm not producing enough. Yet, I know I'm losing it somewhere as I see it every now and then in the most uncomfortable places. The stool tests for parasites, and blood are still not back after at least three weeks...which is not a good sign. Food is still not digesting in me, which makes it seem redundant to eat as I can't break it down, it hurts my intestines, and it clearly does not want to stay in me. When the pain grew unbearable I went in to the Dr. last week originally it seemed like appendix yet, the Dr. said that I have all the symptoms of colon cancer so I am completing testing for it. I think the most troublesome factor is that my chronic fatigue has doubled and I feel as if I haven't slept in months. I can't hardly focus on school which is frustrating cause I'm already a touch behind I feel like I push sooooo hard to stay awake, pretend I'm not in brutal amounts of pain just to keep going and I'm still not doing good enough. Theres a million things I need to do and no time to do them, and no strength to do them. I've come to a point where it's all I can do to just survive the day, just not go to the hospital, to just get out of bed. I stare at my text rereading the same page five times and not remembering a thing a going back and trying again. I push really really hard so it's not notice that I've taken the max amount of strong painkillers. I push really really hard so that it's not noticed how far I'm falling. And at times I just want to give up, and lie down. I just want the pain to stop and be normal again. I'm trying so hard and watching everything pass me by, I'm trying so hard to not show the cracks in my armour, to not show weakness. Just keep pretending.
There's a mask I wear, and armour I put on as I get up and ready for the day. A mask to hide tears, the pain, and the doubt. The armour to show strength where behind it only lies weakness, the armour shiny and new makes the mistakes so discreat that they can be passed off as
I feel guilty and ashamed of being so weak, I try to hide the cracks in the armour I'm really discreat. It looks so nice and shiny on the surface. I buff the outter layers and keep them looking new because if anyone saw the cracks the armour might just crumble
~ElysiaB
Theres a dreadful feeling that I could always be like this. In pain with no answers. Speaking of which the blood test results came back and my iron is still awfully low which means I'm losing blood somewhere or I'm not producing enough. Yet, I know I'm losing it somewhere as I see it every now and then in the most uncomfortable places. The stool tests for parasites, and blood are still not back after at least three weeks...which is not a good sign. Food is still not digesting in me, which makes it seem redundant to eat as I can't break it down, it hurts my intestines, and it clearly does not want to stay in me. When the pain grew unbearable I went in to the Dr. last week originally it seemed like appendix yet, the Dr. said that I have all the symptoms of colon cancer so I am completing testing for it. I think the most troublesome factor is that my chronic fatigue has doubled and I feel as if I haven't slept in months. I can't hardly focus on school which is frustrating cause I'm already a touch behind I feel like I push sooooo hard to stay awake, pretend I'm not in brutal amounts of pain just to keep going and I'm still not doing good enough. Theres a million things I need to do and no time to do them, and no strength to do them. I've come to a point where it's all I can do to just survive the day, just not go to the hospital, to just get out of bed. I stare at my text rereading the same page five times and not remembering a thing a going back and trying again. I push really really hard so it's not notice that I've taken the max amount of strong painkillers. I push really really hard so that it's not noticed how far I'm falling. And at times I just want to give up, and lie down. I just want the pain to stop and be normal again. I'm trying so hard and watching everything pass me by, I'm trying so hard to not show the cracks in my armour, to not show weakness. Just keep pretending.
There's a mask I wear, and armour I put on as I get up and ready for the day. A mask to hide tears, the pain, and the doubt. The armour to show strength where behind it only lies weakness, the armour shiny and new makes the mistakes so discreat that they can be passed off as
I feel guilty and ashamed of being so weak, I try to hide the cracks in the armour I'm really discreat. It looks so nice and shiny on the surface. I buff the outter layers and keep them looking new because if anyone saw the cracks the armour might just crumble
~ElysiaB
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