Right now I feel sick, I'm sweating up a storm, my shoulders feel like someone hit them with a two by four, the goiter on my neck feels hard and makes me cough, and my head throbs. I've been laying in bed, just laying in pain, I have no energy to move, no appetite to eat, no motivation to even sleep. The pain is intense and I feel so powerless against my illness. Its like being in a car, just driving down a road and desperately wanting to control the car so you don't crash, but there's heavy rain on the road. Your hitting your breaks, doing everything you can, but no matter what you do it won't stop. The wheels are slipping, sliding straight at the other cars. SMACK. There's pain, there's smoke, there's people hurt, and worst of all everyone's effected now... I find this illness very similar to a car crash cause it's out of control, ..it's out of my hands, I try to fight past it pushing harder and harder on those imaginary breaks as though I could stop my illness from effecting everything. But there it goes again smacking everything in my life, I feel the pain the most, the electric sharp pains that shock my body and pulsate through my ribs. I'm exhausted, I feel foggy, I feel helpless, I feel as though I'm coming to, yet everyone just stares at me as I awake in this unfamiliar place. I miss classes I desperately want to attend, the teachers don't understand, some may even be frustrated with all of it, and I see the fractures in the relationship, like in the glass of the car thats been hit o so hard. I stay in bed for days in too much debilitating pain, the only energy left in my tired body is spent getting up and pushing through the dizziness to get to the pills. Pills that are the best the doctors can prescribe when they don't have the answers. All week I've worked harder then most student, struggling through this foggy mind of mine, trying to push through, and find research for an essay thats due soon. I make my husband and I miss events because I'm too sick to go out. Why does it hurt they always ask me, and over and over, I just want to be sarcastic; but in all seriousness I give the answer the doctors give me, I don't know, but I'm Sorry. I'm always sorry.
The car slips out of control, I'm helplessly braking, yet it just keeps slipping. I'm helplessly praying, but it hits again, SMACK. I didn't mean to hit you, it's not like I planned this. Teachers are frustrated cause I'm missing classes, after time friends fade away, sorry, after sorry. My husbands frustrated that I'm sick and he can't fix it, he has to fix dinner, do dishes, and after working late again. I wish I could stop this slipping out and crashing it's madness. But all I can do is watch as the world around me as it spins madly on. The fractures are even more evident when I crawl out this wreckage, and stumble into my classes. Peers I wish I made friends with, stare with questioning looks, and it's because they don't know me. How could they, I'm hardly recognizable after all the crashes, of not coming to classes. For few days, if I'm lucky, but normally only hours of a day the body hold out long enough, I feel awake, and alive. And I use them to push harder than ever to fix what is bent and broken, on all the other ones I've damaged. I work late into the night through the pain, to the write papers, to prove that I not just a reckless drunk driver but a victim in bad weather. I persist through this madness writing essays from bed, to get a good grade and mend a relationship. Hoping to paint some respect over the scratches. As my work starts to pay off, and the world around me has a few less dents and fenders hanging bruised from earlier crashes, I desperately fight not to slip again, hoping as I might the I'd have some control this time around. I wish and wish and wish and pray and pray and pray, that I can fight this, that I can do better this time around. After being in so many crashes, I don't remember what my health looked like when it was better. I don't remember much through the smoke, and gases, all I see is blackness. If I did I think I'd see images, when I flash back to a time before this, I see friends with out fractures, and dreams of greatness, but, then I am quickly snapped back as I slip.
Slipping, slipping, sliding. I'm out of control. my mind watches feeling more guilt with every dent and fracture. From in here, in my mind I see the smashed glass, the broken metal, and the disappointed faces. My foot hitting the brake pedal over, and over, and over again, I see in my passenger seat a man, and he's grabbing tight to my hand. You see there's something that is always the same in all these crash, he's always clutching my hand saying it'll be okay, we'll get through this madness.
~ElysiaB
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