Exhausted

For the past three weeks I've studied really hard. Which means I've essentially pushed my body really hard. I've gotten up, eaten, studied for hours then took an exercise break in hopes that the chemicals released from working out would wake me, then I'd continue to study really hard, pushing through the symptoms, the pain, and the throwing up. In spite of the wicked cough and stuffed up nose I pushed hard cause these exam and this degree mean a lot to me. I want to do well but more than that I feel I have to do well. It feels like if I don't push as hard as I can to do my very best, my body wins. And honestly I just can't let that happen, because every time I fall into a patch of symptoms (be it fever, throwing, up, shakes, incredible electric pains, anything) I feel like I'm less of a person due to my lack of control over my body's disorders. I know it doesn't make me less of a person but when I'm lying in bed feeling defeated, it feels like I'm lossing this battle. Today I'm done exams, and I'm in bed feeling all the after shock of pushing my body too far. The pain hurts more and more all over and random, my back is so tender that even lightly touching it hurts, my wrist burns and throbs, I have a headache I the bridge of my nose thats super sensitive. So here I lay, knitting and watching Dr. House entertain me with his sarcasm, it hurts, but it's over now. 

Christmas vacation is here, and I get a month off, which already has a large cleaning list, paperwork and tons of other chores just waiting to take over. At the moment I feel slightly guilty for just sitting and not being able to get to those things. Yet, all I want to do at this moment is be incredibly selfish, I don't want to make dinner, I don't want to clean, or do paperwork or anything thats waiting for me to do. I know that if I don't do it no one else will, but at the moment I just don't care. I just want to rest in peace until my body recovers, in a week or two if I get the rest I need, these pains won't go away but I'll have the brain function back and the little bit of energy I'm used to, to get back up and get things running again. Right now I just want to be a bear and hibernate in my cave. 

I know that until I've recharged my batteries every time I mention what hurts or how I feel, I will hear that awful question of "why does that hurt?" or "you need to go to your doctor." or "should you go to the hospital?" I don't mind being asked how I feel but it's questions like this after that are starting to really frustrate me. I have Hashimoto's, fibromyalgia, neuropathic pain thats come from an undiscovered other disorder that the doctors have yet to figure out. So when I get asked why do I think *fill in a symptom* hurts, if you thought about that question before asking it does it not resolve itself? I hurt because I have these disorders, why does that specific thing hurt at this moment? well for two reasons A) due to other diagnosed reasons or B)How should I know they haven't figured out what new painful disorder I have? I suppose in this state of pain that I'm in right now those questions are extra irritating and patronizing. I know I need a better attitude and I really do appreciate that the people asking care enough to think about it, and it's only patronizing if they do know about the illnesses that I have. At these times I just want my own bubble so I don't hurt someone by saying the wrong thing while being in a lot of pain. I'd feel incredibly bad! However, having this amount of pain in reflection causes me to be able be more patient and hold my tongue better, as well as hide how I feel better which can be good.

Yet through this I thank God for watching over me and helping me get through this pain when I don't feel like I physically can. 

-ElysiaB