Holding on to the end of my rope

What am I going through? Where is my head at? Well I was told that the doctors and specialists will probably never know whats happening to me with all this pain and that I'll have to deal with it and continue to stay on high drugs. My doctor also mentioned that other patients have gone through this and eventually it got better, or at least it is more manageable for them. My head is a hard place to be right now, and I don't want to be stuck like this.

Having random episodes of blood curdling screaming pain, that I know no one can do anything about...well its just heartbreaking, it's no way to live. Using up the absolute limits of strong pain killers (dilotted, to morphine, or tortal, and now tramadol) and sedatives (valium to Ativan). Life's complicated and I'm trying desperately to hold out with hope and faith that everything will work out. The facts are against me when I can no longer go back to emerge as I have truely puzzled them, my own doctor seems to have given in to the idea that the cause won't be found, and so I am now left helpless to go through severe pain alone.

It's as though I'm in the worst car crash and people slow down to look as they pass by, everyone just stands around and watches, muttering that its too bad, or that they wish they could change it. It seems as though I've been frozen in not only a car wreck but a major car pile up. The first car hit me in the thyroid, then another screeched into that car imprinting chronic pain, neuropathic pain, and fatigue into the mess of cars. Then from another angle came whatever unknown disorder or new form of extreme pain spinning out of control and hit from another angle. All the while I get smashed up harder, and harder, to deep in the pile up to get help. Will the rescuers ever come? How can the operator of the Jaws of Life just stand there. Why can no one do anything. Why me? I feel as though my life is becoming more and more obsolete. I feel banged up the majority of the time, and then with severe on set of pain episodes I feel like a dog that its just too cruel not to put down. The episodes feel like the pain may actually kill me, and no one can do anything about it, I'm left to just lay there, kicked while I'm down and take it.

It's hard to have conversations with other people when your day consisted of being in bed, may be a walk or two, and a possible outing from which I almost always come back sick. No one wants to hear the continuous of how much pain I'm in, and I can't blame them. I know that my God is good and I trust him. I know the doctrinal reasons for suffering, and yet it does not help make it easier to go through. I think sometimes you can know all the right answers to your questions academically and still not understand and be frustrated on an emotional level. And thats okay we're allowed to be frustrated and not understand, it's whether you hold on to your faith that matters most in those moments. Which is the hardest thing when going through suffering. Its easy to tell someone suffering why God allows it, It's easy to tell them their story will make a difference and to just pull through. But on the other side of that conversation, suffering while listening to these answers get old fast, and the encouraging "your story will help people" bit gets harder to believe. My heart feels heavy because not only is it that I'm the only one feeling this pain I'm also the only one having to push through it. People who say those things mean genuinely well, they really want to help, and sometimes hearing that helps. But five years later as the road gets harder and darker, it gets harder to listen to, as its hard enough to hold on to that last bit of hope your fighting to keep a grip onto. It's like dangling from a building hoping the rope wont give out, you can lean over the edge of the building and tell the person thats dangling they'll be alright but your not dangling with them, your not desperately trying to keep a grip on that rope. So you may have to just be there and understand when your words are not enough. However the person dangling on the rope, holding on till help arrives, knows that hypothetically in this scenario if they fall all hope they hold on to may fall with them. Thats a harder conclusion to come to. I'm thankful for faith, and a God that's big and just. I realize that there is a reason and I understand that suffering is a necessary cost. I understand that to gain your life you must lose it. Which I used to take literally and therefore not grasp the concept, but it does not always mean you must lose your life literally but like Jesus through self sacrifice. An example would be through Joni Erikson's suffering people have come to know God. Through the apostles journey's many came to faith. None of these people understood where what God was doing in the moment but held strong to this deep rooted faith in the God who sees beyond our small timelines. They did not understand why they were going through their suffering, yet they held strong to faith something they can not see, but are certain of. This is the same faith I cling to as I go through these days some darker than the rest.

Today is only a touch brighter than yesterday, and it may be a long time before I see any healing or brightness, but I do not question the one who made me. Today, I awoke like every other day too the shooting pains throughout my body, they've worsened as I got to start my week by enduring the dentist pulling out two teeth and doing filings on the others. You know how when your in a mass amount of pain and your whole body tightens or clenches and you bite down on your teeth,...well they eventually get damaged. As my mouth heals, my body is once again shook up from the surprise pull of teeth and thrown back into strange pains.

Today I feel like no one understands what I go through but then I feel guilty also. Guilty because just as there are always people better than you, I know that there are also people dealing with a lot worse things than I do. I suppose that's a good thing for people to consider when you start getting down about your circumstances. I wonder perhaps not only can your suffering be a witness to others but it's also best to focus on perhaps helping those in worse situations than yours is the best way you could help the world around you.

It's interesting to look at suffering in the bible. As in the old testament if god was to punish Israel there was always a warning and they always knew why they were being punished. This cause me to question those who say suffering is due to sin because it's confusing then. Why would god warn them and not us unless it is not for punishment. Some interesting verses to look at below.

~ElysiaB

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
                                                                                2 Corinthians 4:18
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.
                                                                           2 Corinthians 12:9-10To obey is better than sacrifice.
                                                                            1 Samuel 15:22 

Discussion of both the book of Ruth, and the book of Esther

Discussion of both the book of Ruth, and the book of Esther

quote by Ambrose Redmoon states that,“Courage is not the absences of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”While there is evidence of a few muddy entanglements in both Ruth and Esther's lives, there is also evidence that they made choices that showed courage and trust in God. Although Esther did not know it, at the time, but her choice effected the rest of the world's population and like wise Ruth's choices effected Jesus blood line. Yet, even though our choices are important to us, we need to remember to look at the big picture and how God's sovereign presence in our lives is what makes the choices easier. Through discussion of both the book of Ruth, and the book of Esther, we are shown God's sovereignty, providence, and hiddeness in their lives.

Starting with the evidence of God's sovereignty in the book of Ruth, where it is shown countless times when Ruth had no other option but to trust God's sovereignty in the situations. Specifically, in the love story that forms between Ruth and Boaz we see God's providence as well as sovereignty over their relationship. In Ruth 1:6 When she heard in Moab that the LORD had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, Naomi and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. This was an example of sovereignty, because God can control the weather. And looking back to before when the people of God were unfaithful to him, there was a punishment of famine yet, God extends his grace later in the book. By bringing food and prosperity back to Bethlehem it draws Naomi, and Ruth back into God's will for their lives. God also places Ruth and her unwavering loyalty into Naomi's life to help her through the struggle of this new poverty, along with her state of depression. 

God's sovereignty in the Book of Ruth shows how we as humans can never be prepared for the trials that we will encounter in our lives. Yet the God we believe in is sovereign and has everything already planned before it has happened, he has provided a way to take care of us in all our darkest moment. Most times God has placed people in our lives before we know we need them and we take itn for granted, not seeing it for what it is. And so likewise, God's sovereignty was also in Boaz's marriage to Ruth, which showed Naomi God's mercy in her life. Perhap's Naomi was at a point in her life where she was so broken down by her depression that she could not see a way out. And so in this state Naomi did not see what a blessing God had bestowed on her from the very beginning. In having Ruth as her daughter-in-law, Naomi was then able to escape poverty and would also be taken care of through Boaz redeeming both Naomi and Ruth. The act of Boaz redeeming Naomi and Ruth, could also be foreshadowing of what God was going to do through his one and only Son, Jesus. Through this book of Ruth we see that Ruth was worth more to Naomi than her two sons may have been, by restoring her to God's will, escaping poverty, and showing Naomi true loyalty. 

In the book of Esther, evidence of God's sovereignty is shown by examples such as “God's power to over rule one of the  important lessons in the book of Esther. Many Christian's today are living on the fringe of God's will. They are not really being directed by the will of god. They are not what we call “in” the will of god. Yet god directs them with his providence. Esther is an illustration of this.”(J. McGee, 1980,pg.189) Although Esther was born a Jew, she is like Malecai the uncle that adopted her after her parents dies and so she is not a practicing Jew. Yet God uses her still for the betterment of his kingdom. After Mordecai tells Esther that it is her duty to talk to the king about the decree that Haman has set in place to exterminate the Jews. (W. Fuerst, 1975, pg33)“in a well known passage (Ruth 4:14) Mordecai reminds her that she will also die if the Jews are liquidated, even though for the moment no one knows that she is Jewish, and he causes her to contemplate her own reason for living as resting in this very opportunity to save the Jews.” 

God's sovereignty in this moment of Esther's life, is in the fact that God knows the outcome before it has happened and has placed her where she was for this purpose.

Esther thinks it all over and tries to make a very queen-like decision by telling Mordecai to gather the Jews and fast. Although her decision is a wise one, it has a downfall in the fact that Esther fails to rely on the one true foundation that she should be  leaning on which is ironically the Jewish God. Through the whole book Esther fails to mention God as well as communicating with God for help.“it is hard to pray when you are out of the will of god.” (J. McGee, 1980,pg.215) While God in his sovereignty has placed Esther in a royal position of authority and in the perfect position to help the Jews.“because she (Esther) became queen, she was able to intervene and intercede  in behalf of her people. An entire people that would have been exterminated at that time had she not been in the position on the throne.”(J. McGee, 1980,pg.188) God's sovereignty and provision's was what saved the Jew's and little did they know it wouldn't be the last time that they would be persecuted.

Similarly, both Ruth and Esther were taken care of in vast amazing ways that neither could have foreseen. God's sovereignty is shown in both their lives, although I have tried to find simliarities in ways that God was sovereign in both of these ladies lives few instances are avalible. Such as how God placed each in the position they needed to be in to fulfill their purpose. Ruth was born and raised a Moabitess but married an israelitie boy that had moved into Moab from Bethlehem, this was truly not a coinicidence. In Ruth 1:1 “Now it came to pass in the days when the judges ruled, that there was a famine in the land. And a certain man of Bethlehemjudah went to sojourn in the country of Moab, he, and his wife, and his two sons. 2 And the name of the man was Elimelech, and the name of his wife Naomi, and the name of his two sons Mahlon and Chilion, Ephrathites of Bethlehemjudah. And they came into the country of Moab, and continued there. 3 And Elimelech Naomi's husband died; and she was left, and her two sons. 4 And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years. 5 And Mahlon and Chilion died also both of them; and the woman was left of her two sons and her husband.” Through  Elimelech mistake of going against God's will and moving his family from Bethlehem which was in a famine to Moab in an attempt to escape the famine and save his family. God took this act and turn it for good through Ruth marriage into Naomi's family, God was setting the stage and getting ready to use Ruth as his instrument in Naomi's life. Similarly God placed Esther in the palace of the king, and blessed her from birth with good looks that would get her specail treatement for example in Esther 2:8-9 “So it came to pass, when the king's commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king's house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women. 9 And the maiden pleased him, and she obtained kindness of him; and he speedily gave her her things for purification, with such things as belonged to her, and seven maidens, which were meet to be given her, out of the king's house: and he preferred her and her maids unto the best place of the house of the women.”Just like with Ruth, God in his sovereignty placed Esther in the perfect position for where she would need to be in order to influence history. 

Out of the three subjects that I am discussing, the one that stands out the most is the way in which God showed his providence in both ruth and esthers lives. Not only did God take them from sinful places in their lives but he also brought them to a point of heroism. It is never quite evident in either story how God is going to provide for them or if everything will workout okay until Ruth and Esther, take the first step towards him.From the time Ruth's husband dies to the time she meets Boaz, God has known the ending of the story   and so  Ruth has to still make the choices unaware of their effects, and she chooses God. Throughout the book of Ruth it shows multiple examples of how God provided for her through food, protection, and grace. 

When Ruth got up and ready for her first day of gleaning it does not say that Naomi instructed her of which field to and glean at, so we must assume that she had no idea what she walking into. As well for whatever reason that same morning, Boaz was held up from arriving early in his fields and was unaware of Ruth's presence until he saw her working hard to collect as much as she possibly could. To glean grain or other produce was part of the mosaic system. This was God's way of taking care of the poor, and Ruth and Naomi are very poor.  The very fact that Ruth says she wants to go glean grain is indicative of their poverty.(J. McGee, 1980,pg 27) This law was also for strangers and Ruth fell into both categories of stranger and poor, yet this law was also a provision set in place by God. Ruth 2:14-16 also shows that Boaz, once aware of who Ruth is and her presence in his fields make every effort to help her. Although it is also shown that boaz not only help Ruth because of his gerousity but mainly because he is attracted to her. “At mealtime Boaz said to her, "Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar." When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. 15 As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, "Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don't embarrass her. 16 Rather, pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don't rebuke her.” Even though the book of Ruth “does not relate a major incident in the history of Israel, rather, with sensitivity and strict artistic control it exposes the question of human need and how that need is met under divine providence.”(W. Fuerst,1975,pg.5)

Another way God provide's for ruth is through providing protection for her, this is found in Ruth 2:8-9 “So Boaz said to Ruth, "My daughter, listen to me. Don't go and glean in another field and don't go away from here. Stay here with my servant girls. 9 Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled.”Since Boaz showed his affection towards Ruth, this caused him to also grow, very protective of her. Boaz started telling Ruth not to go to other fields because some may be dangerous for foreigners like Ruth. Boaz also asked his workers to keep an eye on Ruth and make sure she was okay while gleaning.

Thirdly God provided grace for Ruth which is shown in Ruth 2:10-13 “At this, she bowed down with her face to the ground. She exclaimed, "Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me-- a foreigner?" 11 Boaz replied, "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband-- how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. 12 May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." 13 "May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord," she said. "You have given me comfort and have spoken kindly to your servant-- though I do not have the standing of one of your servant girls.” When Ruth chose to make a life long commitment to sticking with Naomi, she also made a life long commitment to God. Ruth shows her faith is real and genuinely repents to God when she states, “thy people shall be my people –  I am forsaking my people, idolaters, and I'm identifying myself with God  's people.” “Ruth makes a real decision for God, she says, 'I accept the poverty. Being an outcast. I also accept the fact that I will remain a widow the rest of my life.' she was willing to accept all that in order to take a stand for God .”(J. McGee, 1980,pg.21,24) and so God showed his gracr in her life by providing for her a new husband that can take care of her and Naomi. God found Ruth a redeemer that would take them from rags to riches as well as provide Naomi with a son. The marriage of Ruth and Boaz is soon blessed with the birth of a son which would be the heir to both  Elimelech and Boa'z inheritence. And even though the son would be from Ruth and Boaz, Ruth would be the woman praised for the event. This is supported in Ruth 4:14 “he women said to Naomi: "Praise be to the LORD, who this day has not left you without a kinsman-redeemer. May he become famous throughout Israel!”And so God's providence was shown to Ruth in many ways throughout her life, and Naomi's life.

The Book of Esther is almost a contrast to the Book of Ruth as, Ruth is born a moabite yet, ends as a Christian and Esther is born a Jew and saves the Jews yet, has no communication with God. The purpose of the book of Esther is to show how God still takes providential care of his people, even when they are outside of the promised land because of their own disobedience. 

Unlike Ruth, God shows providential care for Esther and the Jews through preparation and circumstances that unfold throughout the book. In Esther 1:1;and Esther 2:20 God's providence play's a prominent part in bringing Esther the ability to rise to power, and also have an influential role in the persian king's life. Since Esther's name was persian it helpped her to maintain a low profile when it came to her religious background as a Jew. When Esther is entered into the beauty contest she was given special treatment in the palce right away which shows that god was taking care of her.(Esther 2:9-10)Through this contest Esther found favor with the king through her natural beauty and then later her psychological beauty. It shows that (God) is arranging the events so that at the proper time he will have someone to intervene in behalf of his people, the Jews. Because she (Esther) became queen, she was able to intervene and intercede  in behalf of her people. An entire people that would have been exterminated at that time had she not been in the position on the throne.              (J. McGee, 1980,pg.188) Aside from Esther becoming queen, Mordecai's position in the governement as a Judge is another way of showing that God was preparing to provide help to deliever his people. In Esther 2:21-23 It tells of how because of his position Mordecai was able to hear of the plot to kill the king. After Mordecai had heard of Haman's decree he talked to Esther, in a well known passage (Esther 4:14) he reminds her that she will also die if the Jews are liquidated, even though for the moment no one knows that she is Jewish, and he causes her to contemplate her own reason for living is resting in this very opportunity to save the Jews.(W. Fuerst,1975,pg.33) Through this Mordecai shows that he thinks Esther's destiny is to save the Jews and so Esther puts herself in a very compromising situation, by barging in on the king without being summoned Esther risks death.

When reading the books of Ruth and Esther it is hard to relate to what they are going through in those moments because as readers we can just keep reading, yet in those moments there are so many things that could have gone wrong. At the same time they risked themselves, inspite of it all, and trusted God even though they were unaware of his plans.

When Ruth was picking which field to go glean at, she had no way of knowing that it would be Boaz's field, she also had no way of knowing that she would be safe that day since it was dangerous for a foreign girl. Through these chances Ruth trusted that God would guide her through, and provide for her needs. Although Ruth's biggest chance was taken when she moved from Moab to Bethlehem with Naomi because she was told her chances of re-marrying were low and that she would become poverty by following Naomi, God's plan was hidden from Ruth in all these circumstances. Yet aside from God being hidden Ruth made the right choices. Ruth could never have guessed what God was doing, in through his providence in her life, through it all Ruth's spirit proved to grow stronger in the trails of her life and showed that in God's hiddeness she would still trust him, and not give up.

In a very different way God was also hidden to Esther, and the Jews. Although like Samson the judge in Ruth's time, Esther chose bad choices to do good for her people. Even though Esther was not a practicing Jew she still stuck to what she knew to be right. After all Esther didn't have to save the Jews and didn't know that she could, but she chose to use her position to restore justice regardless of the risk she would face of being killed for talking to the King without being summoned. More example of god's hiddeness in Esther's life are such that Esther didn't know God would provide for her in the palace, because she did not pray or communicate with God. Therefore God was more hidden to Esther than to Ruth.

In Conclusion, both Ruth and Esther had a lot of courage to do the tasks God laid before them, and in being faithful and fulfilling them God was also faithful to them. As shown above through the discussion of both the book of Ruth, and the book of Esther, we are shown God's sovereignty, providence, and hiddeness in their lives. There choices have gone down not only in history but also In the genealogy of Christ as example of Godly women.