What am I going through? Where is my head at? Well I was told that the doctors and specialists will probably never know whats happening to me with all this pain and that I'll have to deal with it and continue to stay on high drugs. My doctor also mentioned that other patients have gone through this and eventually it got better, or at least it is more manageable for them. My head is a hard place to be right now, and I don't want to be stuck like this.
Having random episodes of blood curdling screaming pain, that I know no one can do anything about...well its just heartbreaking, it's no way to live. Using up the absolute limits of strong pain killers (dilotted, to morphine, or tortal, and now tramadol) and sedatives (valium to Ativan). Life's complicated and I'm trying desperately to hold out with hope and faith that everything will work out. The facts are against me when I can no longer go back to emerge as I have truely puzzled them, my own doctor seems to have given in to the idea that the cause won't be found, and so I am now left helpless to go through severe pain alone.
It's as though I'm in the worst car crash and people slow down to look as they pass by, everyone just stands around and watches, muttering that its too bad, or that they wish they could change it. It seems as though I've been frozen in not only a car wreck but a major car pile up. The first car hit me in the thyroid, then another screeched into that car imprinting chronic pain, neuropathic pain, and fatigue into the mess of cars. Then from another angle came whatever unknown disorder or new form of extreme pain spinning out of control and hit from another angle. All the while I get smashed up harder, and harder, to deep in the pile up to get help. Will the rescuers ever come? How can the operator of the Jaws of Life just stand there. Why can no one do anything. Why me? I feel as though my life is becoming more and more obsolete. I feel banged up the majority of the time, and then with severe on set of pain episodes I feel like a dog that its just too cruel not to put down. The episodes feel like the pain may actually kill me, and no one can do anything about it, I'm left to just lay there, kicked while I'm down and take it.
It's hard to have conversations with other people when your day consisted of being in bed, may be a walk or two, and a possible outing from which I almost always come back sick. No one wants to hear the continuous of how much pain I'm in, and I can't blame them. I know that my God is good and I trust him. I know the doctrinal reasons for suffering, and yet it does not help make it easier to go through. I think sometimes you can know all the right answers to your questions academically and still not understand and be frustrated on an emotional level. And thats okay we're allowed to be frustrated and not understand, it's whether you hold on to your faith that matters most in those moments. Which is the hardest thing when going through suffering. Its easy to tell someone suffering why God allows it, It's easy to tell them their story will make a difference and to just pull through. But on the other side of that conversation, suffering while listening to these answers get old fast, and the encouraging "your story will help people" bit gets harder to believe. My heart feels heavy because not only is it that I'm the only one feeling this pain I'm also the only one having to push through it. People who say those things mean genuinely well, they really want to help, and sometimes hearing that helps. But five years later as the road gets harder and darker, it gets harder to listen to, as its hard enough to hold on to that last bit of hope your fighting to keep a grip onto. It's like dangling from a building hoping the rope wont give out, you can lean over the edge of the building and tell the person thats dangling they'll be alright but your not dangling with them, your not desperately trying to keep a grip on that rope. So you may have to just be there and understand when your words are not enough. However the person dangling on the rope, holding on till help arrives, knows that hypothetically in this scenario if they fall all hope they hold on to may fall with them. Thats a harder conclusion to come to. I'm thankful for faith, and a God that's big and just. I realize that there is a reason and I understand that suffering is a necessary cost. I understand that to gain your life you must lose it. Which I used to take literally and therefore not grasp the concept, but it does not always mean you must lose your life literally but like Jesus through self sacrifice. An example would be through Joni Erikson's suffering people have come to know God. Through the apostles journey's many came to faith. None of these people understood where what God was doing in the moment but held strong to this deep rooted faith in the God who sees beyond our small timelines. They did not understand why they were going through their suffering, yet they held strong to faith something they can not see, but are certain of. This is the same faith I cling to as I go through these days some darker than the rest.
Today is only a touch brighter than yesterday, and it may be a long time before I see any healing or brightness, but I do not question the one who made me. Today, I awoke like every other day too the shooting pains throughout my body, they've worsened as I got to start my week by enduring the dentist pulling out two teeth and doing filings on the others. You know how when your in a mass amount of pain and your whole body tightens or clenches and you bite down on your teeth,...well they eventually get damaged. As my mouth heals, my body is once again shook up from the surprise pull of teeth and thrown back into strange pains.
Today I feel like no one understands what I go through but then I feel guilty also. Guilty because just as there are always people better than you, I know that there are also people dealing with a lot worse things than I do. I suppose that's a good thing for people to consider when you start getting down about your circumstances. I wonder perhaps not only can your suffering be a witness to others but it's also best to focus on perhaps helping those in worse situations than yours is the best way you could help the world around you.
It's interesting to look at suffering in the bible. As in the old testament if god was to punish Israel there was always a warning and they always knew why they were being punished. This cause me to question those who say suffering is due to sin because it's confusing then. Why would god warn them and not us unless it is not for punishment. Some interesting verses to look at below.
~ElysiaB
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10To obey is better than sacrifice.
1 Samuel 15:22
Having random episodes of blood curdling screaming pain, that I know no one can do anything about...well its just heartbreaking, it's no way to live. Using up the absolute limits of strong pain killers (dilotted, to morphine, or tortal, and now tramadol) and sedatives (valium to Ativan). Life's complicated and I'm trying desperately to hold out with hope and faith that everything will work out. The facts are against me when I can no longer go back to emerge as I have truely puzzled them, my own doctor seems to have given in to the idea that the cause won't be found, and so I am now left helpless to go through severe pain alone.
It's as though I'm in the worst car crash and people slow down to look as they pass by, everyone just stands around and watches, muttering that its too bad, or that they wish they could change it. It seems as though I've been frozen in not only a car wreck but a major car pile up. The first car hit me in the thyroid, then another screeched into that car imprinting chronic pain, neuropathic pain, and fatigue into the mess of cars. Then from another angle came whatever unknown disorder or new form of extreme pain spinning out of control and hit from another angle. All the while I get smashed up harder, and harder, to deep in the pile up to get help. Will the rescuers ever come? How can the operator of the Jaws of Life just stand there. Why can no one do anything. Why me? I feel as though my life is becoming more and more obsolete. I feel banged up the majority of the time, and then with severe on set of pain episodes I feel like a dog that its just too cruel not to put down. The episodes feel like the pain may actually kill me, and no one can do anything about it, I'm left to just lay there, kicked while I'm down and take it.
It's hard to have conversations with other people when your day consisted of being in bed, may be a walk or two, and a possible outing from which I almost always come back sick. No one wants to hear the continuous of how much pain I'm in, and I can't blame them. I know that my God is good and I trust him. I know the doctrinal reasons for suffering, and yet it does not help make it easier to go through. I think sometimes you can know all the right answers to your questions academically and still not understand and be frustrated on an emotional level. And thats okay we're allowed to be frustrated and not understand, it's whether you hold on to your faith that matters most in those moments. Which is the hardest thing when going through suffering. Its easy to tell someone suffering why God allows it, It's easy to tell them their story will make a difference and to just pull through. But on the other side of that conversation, suffering while listening to these answers get old fast, and the encouraging "your story will help people" bit gets harder to believe. My heart feels heavy because not only is it that I'm the only one feeling this pain I'm also the only one having to push through it. People who say those things mean genuinely well, they really want to help, and sometimes hearing that helps. But five years later as the road gets harder and darker, it gets harder to listen to, as its hard enough to hold on to that last bit of hope your fighting to keep a grip onto. It's like dangling from a building hoping the rope wont give out, you can lean over the edge of the building and tell the person thats dangling they'll be alright but your not dangling with them, your not desperately trying to keep a grip on that rope. So you may have to just be there and understand when your words are not enough. However the person dangling on the rope, holding on till help arrives, knows that hypothetically in this scenario if they fall all hope they hold on to may fall with them. Thats a harder conclusion to come to. I'm thankful for faith, and a God that's big and just. I realize that there is a reason and I understand that suffering is a necessary cost. I understand that to gain your life you must lose it. Which I used to take literally and therefore not grasp the concept, but it does not always mean you must lose your life literally but like Jesus through self sacrifice. An example would be through Joni Erikson's suffering people have come to know God. Through the apostles journey's many came to faith. None of these people understood where what God was doing in the moment but held strong to this deep rooted faith in the God who sees beyond our small timelines. They did not understand why they were going through their suffering, yet they held strong to faith something they can not see, but are certain of. This is the same faith I cling to as I go through these days some darker than the rest.
Today is only a touch brighter than yesterday, and it may be a long time before I see any healing or brightness, but I do not question the one who made me. Today, I awoke like every other day too the shooting pains throughout my body, they've worsened as I got to start my week by enduring the dentist pulling out two teeth and doing filings on the others. You know how when your in a mass amount of pain and your whole body tightens or clenches and you bite down on your teeth,...well they eventually get damaged. As my mouth heals, my body is once again shook up from the surprise pull of teeth and thrown back into strange pains.
Today I feel like no one understands what I go through but then I feel guilty also. Guilty because just as there are always people better than you, I know that there are also people dealing with a lot worse things than I do. I suppose that's a good thing for people to consider when you start getting down about your circumstances. I wonder perhaps not only can your suffering be a witness to others but it's also best to focus on perhaps helping those in worse situations than yours is the best way you could help the world around you.
It's interesting to look at suffering in the bible. As in the old testament if god was to punish Israel there was always a warning and they always knew why they were being punished. This cause me to question those who say suffering is due to sin because it's confusing then. Why would god warn them and not us unless it is not for punishment. Some interesting verses to look at below.
~ElysiaB
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10To obey is better than sacrifice.
1 Samuel 15:22
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