So Easter is tomorrow, and it will be the first ever easter I have had that I won't get an easter bunny or basket with chocolate from my mom to wake up to. As a person who loves festivities, holidays and traditions its a bit sad. I was excited about easter that I started buying stuff for my husbands easter basket early march...like I said I love holidays I get right into them. But alas no bunny for me, cause we left his easter shopping till today and well to be honest today had a rough start to say the least. And by the time we went anywhere it was 4 then got so busy n carried away with other stuff that the store was closed.
In other news, I have just finished a 20 page paper, have two presentations to work on and present, plus endless house cleaning and studying for finals which are in a week n a bit. Plus I finally have an appointment to get in to the internal specialist to go to the day in between my two finals, eek. For someone with an autoimmune disorder that worsens with stress, well it's not looking/feeling good. Tonight my back hurts sooo bad it's probably my liver that's been bad...due to medications but emotionally I feel so detached and sick right now that at any moment I'm afraid I'll break down. I mean someone will ask me how I am and I'm afraid they'll see right through me, and I'll start crying cause I can't handle it all. I know to any normal person I sound pathetic I should be able to handle it. But people out there across the internet with the same type of disorder might understand. I can't express enough how thankful I am to even read just one forum on a health site or article on dearthyroid about other people going through the same thing. I feel so alone, sore, and just plain broken right now that they just sooth the heart to know I'm not alone. It's a big deal because the past weeks I've struggled so hard as I've been sicker due to new med's and trying to get off old ones. This struggle of pains is wearing me down to the point where I feel raw. Then I'm told i'm grumpy but I'm in so much pain I just don't care cause there are worse things, and if you were in excruciating pain all day wouldn't you be just a tad grumpy? Sorry this isn't a up beat post, its just me at this moment being real. Its my life, going through the ups but mainly downs of being in neuropathic pain, muslskeletal fibromyalgia pain, hashimoto's pain, and chronic fatigue. I'm just feeling worn right out and so so done. Yet theres so much I still need to do, so I keep going because I can't stop now, I have no choice but to keep going. 
So
pressing onward, I have low hope about the upcoming specialist appointment. I mean don't get me wrong Im stoked just to get in, but I always get my hopes up just to be disappointed. Everywhere I look theres just too much to do. It feels claustrophobic, and going through the motions each day I feel like I can't help but want to go back to bed. I'm so tired I wish I could go into hibernation like a bear. Physically speaking though; I've hardly had a good nights sleep in weeks my eyes sting from it, they even have big blueish tinted bags around them, its embarrassing. My back hurts as I said horribly, I have a sharp pain in a nerve down my nose, sore stinging almost pain in my ears and a blazing head ache. But aside from the eyes I look fine, I hate that about this disorder.
It drives me nuts, it control everything yet, you can't see it. Its not like a broken arm, that's physical. And i think for me that makes it that much harder. I'm held to the standard that since I look healthy and fine I should be able to do everything, as good and competent as any other healthy person. Yet, inside I have so so much going on. It hurts deep down when I'm called on something I couldn't do cause I was in too much pain, more so because it's not understood. I wish so incredibly much that they could understand. but its one of those things that some don't believe or forget about because they can't see it, and be reminded of it.
Faith-wise, I hold on to the comfort that my big God understands, although I can't deny that right now I feel conflicted. Im so deeply deeply thankful to him for what he did on the cross, and I can't help but feel guilty for being frustrated that he's not healing me, that I'm just like this. I understand that he has allowed it to happen and that he has a plan. Sometimes it's just incredibly hard to be okay being completely out of control. Cause right now I have no control over finances, school work, being able to work, my health, my pain levels, what I eat, when I go to the bathroom, getting out of bed, my concentration levels, my sleep, my med's, my .....Okay brutally honest it'd be easier to list what I have control over.. sad, but true. My life is ruled by this evil dictator of a disorder, my every choice based on pain level, or digestion. I wake to pills and go to sleep to pills. I just want to escape into my painting, walk through a door way into a happy valley and just sit under a quiet blossoming tree and sleep like a bear. Today I don't want to be me, and with tomorrow being an indefinite repeat of dictation I just wish I could hibernate till it's over, or be transported to heaven where theres no pain.
~ElysiaB
Some Pictures and then the tale of pain and life. Warning its not going to be pretty.
In other news, I have just finished a 20 page paper, have two presentations to work on and present, plus endless house cleaning and studying for finals which are in a week n a bit. Plus I finally have an appointment to get in to the internal specialist to go to the day in between my two finals, eek. For someone with an autoimmune disorder that worsens with stress, well it's not looking/feeling good. Tonight my back hurts sooo bad it's probably my liver that's been bad...due to medications but emotionally I feel so detached and sick right now that at any moment I'm afraid I'll break down. I mean someone will ask me how I am and I'm afraid they'll see right through me, and I'll start crying cause I can't handle it all. I know to any normal person I sound pathetic I should be able to handle it. But people out there across the internet with the same type of disorder might understand. I can't express enough how thankful I am to even read just one forum on a health site or article on dearthyroid about other people going through the same thing. I feel so alone, sore, and just plain broken right now that they just sooth the heart to know I'm not alone. It's a big deal because the past weeks I've struggled so hard as I've been sicker due to new med's and trying to get off old ones. This struggle of pains is wearing me down to the point where I feel raw. Then I'm told i'm grumpy but I'm in so much pain I just don't care cause there are worse things, and if you were in excruciating pain all day wouldn't you be just a tad grumpy? Sorry this isn't a up beat post, its just me at this moment being real. Its my life, going through the ups but mainly downs of being in neuropathic pain, muslskeletal fibromyalgia pain, hashimoto's pain, and chronic fatigue. I'm just feeling worn right out and so so done. Yet theres so much I still need to do, so I keep going because I can't stop now, I have no choice but to keep going. 
So
pressing onward, I have low hope about the upcoming specialist appointment. I mean don't get me wrong Im stoked just to get in, but I always get my hopes up just to be disappointed. Everywhere I look theres just too much to do. It feels claustrophobic, and going through the motions each day I feel like I can't help but want to go back to bed. I'm so tired I wish I could go into hibernation like a bear. Physically speaking though; I've hardly had a good nights sleep in weeks my eyes sting from it, they even have big blueish tinted bags around them, its embarrassing. My back hurts as I said horribly, I have a sharp pain in a nerve down my nose, sore stinging almost pain in my ears and a blazing head ache. But aside from the eyes I look fine, I hate that about this disorder.
It drives me nuts, it control everything yet, you can't see it. Its not like a broken arm, that's physical. And i think for me that makes it that much harder. I'm held to the standard that since I look healthy and fine I should be able to do everything, as good and competent as any other healthy person. Yet, inside I have so so much going on. It hurts deep down when I'm called on something I couldn't do cause I was in too much pain, more so because it's not understood. I wish so incredibly much that they could understand. but its one of those things that some don't believe or forget about because they can't see it, and be reminded of it.
~ElysiaB
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