Vacation from me

There is a time for everything, a time to push past the pain and a time for recovering, a time for pushing through and a time for relaxing. When exercising you may start to feel a bit of a burn, but thats nothing compared to the burn and soreness that floods a few minutes after you stop exercising. Similarly when studying for exams you push through the stress and exhaustion, and then finally get sick when you rest. That is a very minor comparison to how I feel today, as I have just gotten back from a wonderful vacation. Although health wise, I am now in bed with shooting electric pains through all my joints, accompanied by fiery throbbing in all my muscles, and many many intense stomach and back pains. This is the price I pay for pushing my body harder than it can take. All the while the week leading up to the trip I had a UTI and a lymph node infection, that I took antibiotics for. Although I continued to have a lot of pain during the trip I refused to go to a Dr. as it doesn't make sense when they don't know my history and I do have an appointment coming up next wednesday with the pain specialist I've been waiting a year plus to see. So I am still attempting to hold out until next wednesday regardless of the pain as I know this specialist may understand, may send me to other specialists faster, and will all around be better than seeing any other Dr. that doesn't know my history, symptoms, or the pain of it all. But mostly, I just have an all around lack of faith in the average Dr. as they have hardly proven to be reliable, along with their offices that set up appointments but handout the wrong date or other information. Seems everything gets muddled, and sad when I go to see them so I don't unless I absolutely have to, in which case I'd still prefer to let it get worse in hopes of revealing the real source of the pain. I'd almost rather handle the pain of letting the symptoms worsen then go to see an average Dr. that doesn't have a clue what he's looking at and assumes it's nothing. At least letting it worsen comes with perks of getting fast tests done, and pain medication, I just don't have time to waste talking to a Dr. that won't believe me. Thus the vacation was a great time to relax along the water and that was much needed.

First we went to Vancouver Island and went camping, biking and walking all over Victoria. Next we went to Salt Spring Island and stayed in a small cottage on St. Mary's Lake, where we lounged inside reading, playing games, had a fire outside and even went kayaking. To finish it off we continued on to the family cabin on the coast and went for long walks and even an 8km hike. And it would be an understatement to say I'm feeling it now. However I am very proud of myself for pushing hard to do the things I wanted so badly to be able to do, as I haven't hiked or biked in a very long time and have never tried kayaking all by myself. There is so much of my life that is controlled by pain and I miss greatly the abilities I had before all this illness to enjoy the outdoors with all sorts of energy. So when I get the opportunity to go out and attempt to still enjoy the outdoors I have to take it for so much of my time is spent ill and sore. If it costs me a week in bed it is well worth it as I know I have pushed my body hard and done my very best. I wish I could do these kinds of activities a lot more regularly and if it were up to my mind I would, but sadly my body's wellness plays a large part in what I am capable of. For now I return to my studies, having registered for classes yesterday and already gotten ahead as I have gotten the notes ahead of time from other students and read part of a textbook.  I feel as though I am managing the non-pain areas of life a bit better for the first time since my gallbladder was removed. In a way it was a vacation from me, as when I am pushing my body to it's limit's and some, I feel like the fun person I was with a bit less energy, but just as happy as I was being outside and enjoying life.

~ElysiaB

Fort St.Hide-Out

So midterms have ended and I have written three huge term papers of each 15+ pages and now I'm coming to this last project and I'm trying I really am to push through this I just have to write one more research paper, plus put together a handout of resources, and put together a powerpoint. At first it was the topic that held me back, it reminded me of a really hard and desperate place I was in at 13 years old. Having to grow up too fast, deal with issues I shouldn't have been aware of, and so of course the topic I'm randomly assigned is based on a coping mechanism I know all too well.  Yes, writing, and presenting it will help me and Lord, I bet you gave that teacher the idea of giving it to me, I mean it's too coincidental. 

So you can see now how pushing through it, and revisiting that topic is, like the last thing I want to do right now. And to make it better I'm sitting at the lounge at school working on the research for it and this other student from the same addictions counselling class, looks over at my screen and is like, "oh your doing your topic on that coping mechanism, I think a lot of teens just do that for attention..." and then she gets up and leaves. I'm sitting thinking, "wow that's insensitive, why are you in a counselling course?" but all add it to the list of things I shouldn't say outside of my head. 

What she said just reminded me of those other people who at church told me that this thyroid disease was caused because I sinned in some way and it's God punishing me. Or those other people who think that thyroid disorders are fake. When people tell you that what do you say? I can't agree, cause a) I have this "fake" disorder, and b) I can't agree that my God would do that. Even if I'm thinking objectively and actually considering it my heart screams, "NO HE'S NOT LIKE THAT" just like hypothetically, if I was a child of an alcoholic and someone offers me a drink after all I've seen my loved ones go through how could I accept knowing what I know? It's like, every fibber in my body is repulsed by that idea that, I know deep in my being that my God is not like that, he is a God of mercy, patience, and above all Love. Everything good comes from him.

From God's activity in the bible it teaches us that he is sovereign, nothing happens that he doesn't know about. A lot times people say "everything happens for a reason" but it's not that God has it in his Will and has it in his plan for me to have this disorder, but because sin has entered our world, there is this our use of our freewill is and element added to our circumstances. Sometimes people do bad things, such as drunk drivers. We know that drinking too much impairs our driving and thus should take a cab but, some people choose to drive themselves home drunk. God's sovereignty works in connection with man's freewill. They freely reject the knowledge they know is right and drive in spite of being drunk.  Did God will it to happen? no. Did he Allow it to happen? yes. God does not go around desiring for these bad things to be in our world, but since we live in a fallen world it happens under his permissible will. You have to have some negative things like earthquakes to stir up sediment in the ocean to keep life going on. God doesn't single out people or places for negative things they are the processes of the natural will. Some people say that God's inaction is an action, but God is not inactive as he is working through history to take it out of this world and has done something through Christ. God does want all men to be saved, but sometimes men freely reject him just as people in the old testament freely rejected christ. Yet, God's will is still accomplished through Christ dying for sins thus, saving us. 

This is why I can't agree that God punishes people through diseases, yes there's probably a handful of places where you could find times he has. But the great many times he has shown mercy, patience, and providence far out weighs the handful of examples, thus it is not in his nature to do something like that. I hope those people, that tell other people that they are sick because God is punishing them learn this. 

Those comments make me kinda just close up and not want to share vulnerable parts of my life with others, because truth be told I'm already a little ashamed that I don't run at the same pace as everyone else. My dreams take longer, and longer. An old friend was saying she's graduating college this year, we started school same time, but I'm still only half way. My feeling ashamed is irrational, I realize this but knowing it's irrational doesn't make it feel any less shameful. These feeling clashing with the disorder and mixed in pain sometimes, brings me down. But these feelings are real, just as yours are. Their valid and sometimes they bring me down, but then I get back up, cause really what's left to do when you fall. You either sit in mud and cry cause you got hurt trying, or you get back up and try again. For me these moments feel like being on a dirt bike going as fast as i can over hills and through trails, and sometimes you push the throttle to hard, don't see the muddy puddle and slide out into it. You land hard on your butt, in a muddy, cold puddle. In my head I'm going Ouch! and Yuck! all at the same time! It's gross! now I'm wet, sore, and dirty! So due to falling a lot as a kid, my natural reaction now is to get back up, and get back on the bike, because it's okay to fall. 

Other times I don't just fall, I crash! Like this week plus last week, I've pushed myself way too hard to get through studying for exams plus being sick, Then when I knew, that I was starting to slide out, I pushed that throttle hard to get through papers but, I'm not delusional I can feel this crash coming, I just hope to finish this paper first.

Then I'm gonna not be 100% for a few weeks, my brain will try to mask my bodies pain, and make up for it in acting a bit zombie like. And although zombie's are in a daze, they're functional which beats being a mummy! And friend's will say “But you don't seem tired to me," and they're right I don't "seem" tired, I don't "seem" rundown. I push that zombie mode as far as it will go, I do what I'm able to do, and accomplish what I can, until the point comes when I can't at which I'll hide out until I regain some resemblance of strength.

Throughout my life, I'm used being a "trooper" and sucking it up, and doing it alone a lot. I'm used to being the one that supports other people, not the one who receives support. Still I realize that when I'm sick, this hiding out, and doing it alone, has made be a bit prickly. For which I am Sorry. Sometimes I  forget how to put my shields down and ask for help or a hug. 

~ElysiaB

“Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?”

Often I find it hard to let people see me when I'm really sick, some treat you with looks of pity, others treat you like a china doll and others ignore you. (perhaps because they don't know what to say) It's hard to know what to say to someone who has a disorder thats not going to go away. I don't even know what to say, or how to deal with it. But similar to someone dealing with grief they don't need someone to say the right thing, they just really need a friend. Cause when you deal with something that changes your life you grieve things you'll never get to do, and you learn new limits every day. Today I found myself pondering this question of, “Why am I working so hard yet moving so slowly?” I look around and see people getting things done fast, graduating in the proper 4 years, and going out to hangout with people. And as much as I try it's hard not to compare yourself, cause trying so hard and still floundering feels like I'm the only person in world racing around in slow-motion while the world flies by around me. Yet, I then get really excited when I do things like get an A on a midterm. People brush it off or are sad they didn't get an A+ but to me; I worked extra hard for that A it took 4 weeks of studying hard through bouts of flu's  to get. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g to me, like a gold medal, I just want to tell everyone cause I'm so proud. This disorder all though very lonely, has given me a new appreciation for accomplishments, big or small, getting an A to doing dishes. I thank God for that aspect of this circumstance because I appreciate his help and all the things we can do together.

Today I woke up, ate breakfast, studied, then put on my recording of class lectures as I did yoga, and dishes, and then studied my notes some more. Yet, I feel as though I have a filled all my server space up in this brain and need some extra ram, drive, GB, a new disk? anything really! I've been shaky lately which has caused me to start dropping things, its like i have grease on my hands, I get so frustrated and embarrassed. I have 3 hours of energy and then am entrenched in a foggy state that comes and goes, thus studying is feeling like a war I don't thinking I'm winning. So I switched it up from writing out flashcards to writing lines in my note book which surprisingly has helped. Probably due to the fact that often I forget what I wrote, right after I wrote it. So writing a point out a few times is more likely to stick. I'm going to see my doctor soon about this awful cough I have had for 3 weeks it's like a bear trying to growl it's way out. If past lives and reincarnation were truly possibly, perhaps the bear inside me holds some truth, I feel like my sleep pattern may line up too. I mean I'm always tired perhaps I should be hibernating, it sounds kinda nice. Any who, I need to tell my doctor about the cough that has not gone away, the back that extra, and extra other painkillers still aren't helping and also that I feel like my memory is getting worse. Which is possible due to Hashimoto's, it effects far too much. I'm sore and very very sleep so Goodnight all I'm off to hibernate :)

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why do you choose today to give it all away

I've always felt that quotes have a way of passing on wisdom from another generation, anothers experiences, and just have a way of teaching from history. And if we learn from history we will be wiser to face new problems and issues of today. When I was tiny like age 4-6 I was obsessed with proverbs well probablly longer then that it's an obsession thats gone on for years, I want to be wise as salomon was wise. I felt if I was wise enough I woulldn't have anything to be afriad of but thats not true we can be wise and sometimes it's wiser to be afriad because fear is necessary for greatness. If we were never afraid and always knew everything would turn out mabey we wouldnt take the necessary risks or run toask for support. We need wisdom and we need a healthy does of fear.

These two elements seem to have collided this past week as I was discharged from the hospital on thursday with no concluding diagnoses, so again I'm in the dark. But this somehow pushed me further into the darkness of fear as having gone through every test possible, blood tests every morning, scans every day, even an MRI, and CT, and still everything comes back telling them I'm as healthy as an ox who's pain's so bad large doses of Morphine, Tortal, and my favorite Valium can't take the pain away. So getting discharged has just brought on this extreme low. I don't know where to go from here. Is this rock bottom? I thought I hit that already?

I got discharged which no one thought was right due to my levels of pain, so we went into Vancouver which killed me in pain just being in a car, the moving and the vibrating, while my body just aches all over. So as we arrived hoping to be admitted to UBC Hospital where the student doctors would fight to figure me out. However we couldn't find it. All we found was a small clinic that wouldn't take me so we headed for VGH. When arriving and going through all the proper waiting rooms I gave a blood sample, urine sample that was pink because my bleeding hasn't been cured. I finally got to see a nurse and hardly had time to tell her what was wrong before she snidely asked, "so what do you want me to do about it?" So I was sent home with no compassion and no answers. Sure the nurse reassured us that the Abbotsford Hospital had been very thorough and done all they could. But, she sent us home nontheless and to me that almost broke me right there. It felt like everyone had given up on me. I was directed to the internal medicine out patient program that VGH offers and the family was all happy about it and sure it's great but from my view it was a 'here take this so you'll leave' kinda thing. To me this felt like the bitter end.

Discharged, with no results and told to leave with a "heres something to make you go" form, I just felt so low. I still feel that low. That low that feels like your in more pain from the trouble of going in to be fixed and coming out even more broken. With no answers, and pain that is so bad i feel like im going to pass out or die from the amount of pain i feel in sharp stabbing waves. I feel lost and hopeless even though I know my God is at work and my trust is in him, I am afriad because unlike him i have no idea how much more of this i can take. it's too much for me to handle and thats what scares me most i've come to the point where I can not handle this and i've been discharged theres nothing anyone or any pills can do for me. So what now?

I know deep down who I am does not stay down, I know I'll get back up because its in my blood its who I am. I know my God is big enough to move mountains and is with me, and so I will try not to be afraid because of this pain as I know he has gone before me, he knows his plans for me and he will never forsake me. I'm just a simple human you see, I don't see the vast plans he has, I trust him but I fear how far he will let my pain go and to what end. I ache in every muscule, I have electric shooting nueropathic pains throughout my vains and random stabbing pains. Yet, left to deal with the excruciating pain on my own, with my mom playing nurse with all the medications they've prescrobed, my husband and father have been my hugest supporters. With aunts, and grandparents always caring and trying to be there when they can. I thank God for the Support group he has blessed me with I could not go far without them.

Yestarday was a dark minded day for me, and today is a better minded one. And that's how I guess I'm left to take it day by day by day until the pain takes me. Yestarday when the bad thoughts filled my head I was reminded of a quote I found on the xanga quote sight years ago when I was going through bullying... It went like this, " So you found out today your life's not the same, Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday, And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn, But you never gave up this easily before, So why do you choose today to give it all away?" As this quote popped into my head it made me think again, after all I've been through what make today so specail? Yes, it's true, i feel beat up, broken down, and torn, but I will not let this break me. I have not gone through so much to stay down now. Yet getting back up this time will require a lot of help, and strength that I don't have yet so I'll be in critical care on bed rest, and I will fight this.

Goal Setting from the lululemon website :)

So while flipping across blogs that show neat how to hair do's and DIY projects, I got thinking, "okay, so I lost a lot of who I thought I was, so who am I now?" Well, I've lost a lot of things I used to enjoy doing, to these illnesses and I'm not going to get that "normal" back but what can this "new normal" look like? It's time to regroup and figure out what I'm still capable of. Perhaps, I'll have a weekly goal. 

For starters I need to learn to be honest, and genuine in dealing with these on going illnesses, while being around others. Which means I need to learn to express myself and learn to discuss this heavy secret so that people can choose to either except that I have limits, and that the way I feel does not make sense, they can choose to feel however they want about it. or not. But I need to start sticking up for myself and care about how I feel over how everyone else will respond, and if they'll accept me or not. A lot of the time I rather keep my head down deal with it on my own or revert to lying rather than telling the truth, as the result is other people stumbling around trying to find something to say, or being really awkward or just pushing me into what they think would be best. Most often every result is bound to have a common ground, which is a lack of understanding. I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay all the time, and it's okay that others don't understand, but most importantly I shouldn't be so concerned with their reactions those are their's to deal with, they need to learn and I need to be proactive and not such a afriady-cat.

Second, It's time to stop working towards getting back to my old normal and start regrouping and working on figuring out what my new normal looks like. So here I am, moving on with life while grieving forward. I've accepted that this isn't going away, and so I've discovered my bodies limit's, which is most physical activities, and the majority of foods, such as raw veggies, or fruits, anything with grease or oil, and well anything spiced or hard to digest. So I eat a lot of soup, bread, rice, and mushy stuff. Yet, I need to learn to make this grossly bland diet exciting and well even just a tad bit better. 

Thirdly, I should give this body of mine some grace as it has new boundaries which I've stubbornly learnt I should be careful not to cross. I used to enjoy being active through cross-country, cycling, hiking, being able to do any activity. Since I can no long handle hiking without sharp electrocuting pains in my chest, ribs, and feeling all around like I'm going to die, I need a new form of exercise to keep in shape. What I've recently learnt is that the mac store has a free app for yoga on my computer, so when I feel up to it I can do yoga and exercise in my living room. Which I admit I should make more time for. 

Forth, It's time I add a bit more balance into my life, when I got sick I hardly got around to the hobbies I did enjoy, and to be honest other than painting, my only other hobby was hanging out with friends. Although I still have two wonderful friends I still have coffee with, college life is busy and so it's hard to see them. When I had a big group I was out going and funny and totally fine in the making new friends department, but now I feel severely lacking in my abilities in that area, and now with being married, taking care of a home, husband, and going to school. I've been able to have school, cooking, cleaning, balanced into a schedule but rarely hobbies, and even rarer still making new friends. Thus I need to learn what types of hobbies I can do, and be more open to new friendships. 

~ElysiaB