I went into the Naturalpath clinic today and looked like everybody else, just another person waiting for the Doctor.Yet, its painfully clear how unlike everybody else I am when I get home and literally crash on my couch after taking more painkillers that again don't help this kind of pain. Sometimes I wonder if its worth it fighting the pain with doctors, drugs, surgery, time, and energy. It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere, but tired faster. All I can think of right now is how painfully alone I am in this situation, I mean literally there's no one else home lol, but seriously since I got sick six years ago I have family and that's it. I mean there are good days and there are bad, I just feel like today isn't either. It's one of those days when I force my body out of bed and do what I have to only to come home worse for wear and realize I'm really lonely being sick all the time. I want a day off. I'm a little young to not have friends, but have two cats that I spend most of my time with. That's sad, I mean I need to get a life yet, I'm stuck in this body that gets worse, that bleeds when it shouldn't...that doesn't digest any food that goes into it, that wakes from pain, that feels at times only pain. I'd like to say it's been a rough day but truth is its been a rough couple of years. I'm trying hard not to let it get me down I truely am...but you see it's hard when I don't get a day off from this body of mine. At present, my legs are sore like I ran a marathon, my head has a shooting pain, my back burns and all I can think is that I shouldn't be complaining.
Aside from looking fine on the outside, I spent money we don't have on blood tests that are only performed in the states for Lyme and Parasites to get answers that we don't know will come. So, he took my blood, and by Tuesday it will be on it's way to a lab somewhere in the states and by ten days from now I should get a call about the results....which could be positive or negative for oh so many things... Which I am afraid of because if they all come back negative, that will mean that I have to go through with the investigative surgery and I hate being cut open about as much as the next person. But I think I'm almost more afraid of how violently I will end up vomiting from the knock out gas they'll give me. However on the up side, the surgery won't be preformed at Abbotsford Hospital, where nurses tell me to be quiet as I cry due to the pain of a gallbladder about to burst....yeah, cause that made sense. And, they wonder why I didn't come in sooner.
I am putting off calling my family doctor because it means I'll have to follow the pain specialists instructions and ask him to refer me back to the Gastroenterologist for another colonoscopy for another look into chron's and lupus. That was not on my list of 'things to do this summer' and if having a colonoscopy is on someones list of 'things to do this summer' I would seriously question their sanity....I mean who wants a "c.u.b.".....On the list of things "to do"= things to put off doing for as long as I can...is handing in a 20 page packet of consent forms and surveys to the Women's Hospital in Vancouver where a UBC specialist waits to see that they can legally cut me open for research. I didn't mind the consent form I mean I'm at wits end being this sick and seriously desperate enough, it's more the surveys of my pain and how much of an effect it's had on my life that I'd rather not allow anyone to read because then they'd realize just how much of a life I have....it's embarrassing.
And even though I'm feeling quite blue, I am thankful today for a lot of things such as:
- a credit cards that allow me to pay for tests I can't afford
- the ability to ship my blood to a lab in the states to be tested
- a new basement suite to rent with good landlords
- landlords that let us have our cats (my only friends..at times)
- and a husband that's my best friend
~ElysiaB
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