Oh after eights! your oh so tasty, must I eat you after eight? squares, or sticks I don't care what form you come in, as long as it ends in me eating you!
Monday the 12th, I had decided that I would not put up my christmas decorations because even though its my favourite time of year it would remind me how fast my final exams were coming. However, I only held out till that wednesday when a friend commented that I didn't do my regular decorating yet...and that was all it took...I realized how silly I was, as not decorating sadly does not freeze time just my view on reality. You see even if I didn't decorate, exams would still come just as fast. So the next day I decorated with ornaments, stockings, a reindeer and two mini trees, but still I was missing having a big tree so I came up with a tree that can fit in small apartments, and anywhere theres a bookshelf!
And last Monday the 19th, I had just finished a 10 page paper thats 40% of my grade and when I went to get it printed my mac laptop went black. I couldn't find it anywhere, not in the computers trash can, not in any file hiding places I could think of, so my husband and I took it too the Mac store thinking Apple will know how to fix it!...the tech guy said that part of my problem was that I was using word and the other was not backing it up...neither answers helped at the time of. When asked if he could fix it, he said that it would cost 200$, would take a week and no guarantee that it would work...there goes three weeks of researcher, and the essay. The stress probably took a year off my life...lol. In the end we bought an online 80$ program called R-Studio that my husband found, which took a few hours to run and after looking through hundreds of files, recovered it! After that incident I backed it up to the google drive app online. Thus, I could continue on with life and not have to back track.
This stress compressed onto this weeks busy and tiring schedule, however I did the best I could with what energy I've had. Monday (26th) I was able to get to class and take notes, tuesday I was able to clean the house and make dinner, and today wednesday, I gave a presentation to go with my second research paper. Now, I'm exhausted and the weeks not over. From tomorrow I have a week and a few days till my first final exam and I'm praying I do well in studying. But, right now I feel O so sore and pleading with my body to be okay, just be okay. I plead with my brain to fix the body its the CEO of..
The truth is, I've been keeping a deep secret I refuse to say out-loud, cause that would make it real, and I'm not ready for that again. The truth is I've been getting random brutal stabbing pains in my sides that take my breathe away, and they send this nightmire throughout my body as I feel as though my biggest fear is creeping in on me. It's been a good few weeks without them for the first time in four years and I'm scared because I remember that pain all to well. And in the name of being honest I'd like to be my old self again and I'm still trying to find my way back there. It's weird I was there and the hospital rooms, the ER, the pain, the pain, and the horrible feelings of hopelessness it was all real.. and I remember it all too well. I plead with my mind and body from the depth of my soul don't take me back there when I'm just starting to see past the fog of these years. And I know it's not long gone, and the pain is still here but oh I starting to see through the pollution of pain and I started to hope again. May be I was too wide eyed and naive but I can still picture it the feeling of calm in my bones and the clear sky to focus my mind without all the noise. The volume of the pain was turned down for these few weeks and Id do anything not to go back. O lord have mercy don't let me go back. I was as strong as I could be but I'm tired and just want to rest, I just need to rest now.
~ElysiaB
Monday the 12th, I had decided that I would not put up my christmas decorations because even though its my favourite time of year it would remind me how fast my final exams were coming. However, I only held out till that wednesday when a friend commented that I didn't do my regular decorating yet...and that was all it took...I realized how silly I was, as not decorating sadly does not freeze time just my view on reality. You see even if I didn't decorate, exams would still come just as fast. So the next day I decorated with ornaments, stockings, a reindeer and two mini trees, but still I was missing having a big tree so I came up with a tree that can fit in small apartments, and anywhere theres a bookshelf!And last Monday the 19th, I had just finished a 10 page paper thats 40% of my grade and when I went to get it printed my mac laptop went black. I couldn't find it anywhere, not in the computers trash can, not in any file hiding places I could think of, so my husband and I took it too the Mac store thinking Apple will know how to fix it!...the tech guy said that part of my problem was that I was using word and the other was not backing it up...neither answers helped at the time of. When asked if he could fix it, he said that it would cost 200$, would take a week and no guarantee that it would work...there goes three weeks of researcher, and the essay. The stress probably took a year off my life...lol. In the end we bought an online 80$ program called R-Studio that my husband found, which took a few hours to run and after looking through hundreds of files, recovered it! After that incident I backed it up to the google drive app online. Thus, I could continue on with life and not have to back track.
This stress compressed onto this weeks busy and tiring schedule, however I did the best I could with what energy I've had. Monday (26th) I was able to get to class and take notes, tuesday I was able to clean the house and make dinner, and today wednesday, I gave a presentation to go with my second research paper. Now, I'm exhausted and the weeks not over. From tomorrow I have a week and a few days till my first final exam and I'm praying I do well in studying. But, right now I feel O so sore and pleading with my body to be okay, just be okay. I plead with my brain to fix the body its the CEO of..The truth is, I've been keeping a deep secret I refuse to say out-loud, cause that would make it real, and I'm not ready for that again. The truth is I've been getting random brutal stabbing pains in my sides that take my breathe away, and they send this nightmire throughout my body as I feel as though my biggest fear is creeping in on me. It's been a good few weeks without them for the first time in four years and I'm scared because I remember that pain all to well. And in the name of being honest I'd like to be my old self again and I'm still trying to find my way back there. It's weird I was there and the hospital rooms, the ER, the pain, the pain, and the horrible feelings of hopelessness it was all real.. and I remember it all too well. I plead with my mind and body from the depth of my soul don't take me back there when I'm just starting to see past the fog of these years. And I know it's not long gone, and the pain is still here but oh I starting to see through the pollution of pain and I started to hope again. May be I was too wide eyed and naive but I can still picture it the feeling of calm in my bones and the clear sky to focus my mind without all the noise. The volume of the pain was turned down for these few weeks and Id do anything not to go back. O lord have mercy don't let me go back. I was as strong as I could be but I'm tired and just want to rest, I just need to rest now.
~ElysiaB
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