Today I Just Want to feel Normal

Today I just want to feel normal, I missed school this week cause I was too sick to go again. Everything is throbbing and I don't want to get out of bed, I just feel aweful. I read facebook and hear all those funny remarks about the awesome college experience other people are having and I feel a bit disconnected. Disconnected from the ocean I want to join, the experiences I wanted to have, the deep friendships I wanted to build. I feel stuck in my own tide pool where I can watch those friendships grow but cannot part take, because I am unable to be in their water. I know I'm growing in my own ways, and I know God is with me through it but I cant help but feel a tinge of sadness for the life I wanted to live.

I'm not saying I resent this illness, thats not what this is about. I'm just saying that deep need to feel accepted and supported by your peers, well I still feel it. I guess it should be no surprise that I still feel I'm on the outside of this other world, I'm hardly well enough to submerge into it. I just wanted so much more for my life, then to be sick all the time, no one wants that. Resentment though would mean that I have negative feeling for my illness and that I wish I didn't not have it. In truth, I accept that this is what God has allowed in to my life, and that doesn't mean that I have to like it, but I accept it.

Through accepting it I try to see the good in it, and there is good in everything. Some people have a hard time relying on God and I'm not saying I'm amazing at it. But when he's the only one that truly knows how I'm feeling, the pain, the frustration, and understands it all, and is there through it all. Well that makes it easier for me to lean on him, he gets it. He gets that outside I look fine and yet, inside my body is barely hanging on. And so I have to trust that a God so big that, created the heaven and earth, and let his son die for my sin, has a plan for my life. I have to trust that as long as I don't give up and keep pushing on we'll get to where I'm supposed to be together.

Today it's just harder, maybe it's because there's more pain in my lower back, plus the side effects of this new drug aren't helping. So today normal sounds better than this.

~ElysiaB