There is a stinging pain going down my nose, a bruising sharp pain from my ear to my jaw, I can feel the thousands of nerves in my fingertips, muscles, and toes. My head throbs, my body aches and I'm dreading how long it'll take to get to sleep. The back of my head throbs with sharp tender points that tell me they'll be keeping me up long into the early morning. My whole back aches as though I was a construction worker and had been doing heavy labor, the heat pack I put on it helps but like the drugs it just doesn't seem to touch it. I feel as though my mind is a place I dare not go as the surface is safe but the rest is just a throbbing blur. The problem with healing is it's frustrating in it's own special way, its similar to an insult easier to harm then to heal the wound. The Reality in my body is, I can still feel where the surgery incisions are healing it makes it hurt to twist my torso, I live in pain that is outwardly bouncing back and inwardly growing worse. I know that sounds like a contradiction but my body never really outwardly projects the inner pain and so, when it gets bad enough and I show how bad I feel more, to me, it's as though I am allowing the guard or tenseness to go down and the pain to surface so that I can get the help that I desperately need. Yet, when I start healing outwardly from incisions, the inward tenses bak up to mask the pain that continues to worsen, and I naturally appear better. Yet, not to deep down I feel like a fraud, and I can't help but continue it on, if I didn't pretend or push harder I think I'd just lay in bed all day. Its that I want to be better, so I push through the pain to look and act better.
I have a 2 out of 10 good day to bad pain day ratio...well if that. Pain is hardly ever bellow an 8 out of 10 and that's just my life. And if that is Gods plan then I will accept it not because I enjoy or want it, I'm not masochistic. But when everything comes down to the wire, I trust the my God knows what he's doing and why. I don't need to know why me, because I know to save your life you must give it up. A pastor told me that in relation to my suffering and I found it interesting as I'd never thought of it before like that. So many say that they want to be extremist or influential for what ever faith they believe, they say that they are even will to die and suffer for their cause. I often wonder that if they were made to suffer and be in excruciating pain, how many would go on and keep to that faith, or go through with even being the one in suffering.
Yesterday the test results came back negative for porphoria, and a bunch of other disorders. The only things showing up were that my TSH is low as is my liver function..I went in trying not to get my hopes up but i cant help but feel crushed. Afterward we went to the church and as an act of obedience I was prayed over by our church elders. but i still cant help but feel sad that while I worsen nothing shows up. I just keep holding on to my blind trust in a God I can not see, because I know he has a plan and his understanding of these circumstances surpasses my own. He knows best as C.S.Lewis put it best, “When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’”
It's hard when tears are streaming down your face and all you can do is scream cause nothing can help this kind of pain. In those moments I want desperately to assure those around me that it will be okay, as they look down so worried and helpless. how many countless times I have questioned god "is there no end to this pain?" or "why me" Yet I also beg before him that whatever he is doing, that it brings him glory, even as I doubt how effective a tool I am. To me there is no greatness about me, I am just a quiet person who isn't even the greatest christian. I've already been through a lot in life, that most don't ever go through and I'm not saying it's not fair I just don't understand why the continuos hardships. I am not a loud voice, I do not influence many, I am not a theologist, I am just me. The one thing I am certain of is that above all I trust sometimes blindly through this pain and will endure whatever comes, if this is how God has decided my life is to be, then it is well with my soul. Sure I wish this were the kind of pain that could be pulled off like a band aid but if it is life long I am weak of body, but strong of heart. I am not to question the creator of the universe as I know he sees and understands far greater than I ever could imagine. If my suffering must end in a terminal way I can accept that too as I know I am ready to give this life so others may see you. I just wish there were pauses between the pain, yet I have chosen you and I will not give up.
Perhaps those who suffer give up there lives so that others may come to God through watching how they accept the suffering? Perhaps we can be inspired by others like Joni Erikson Tada who stated that,
“Sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves.”
Sometimes our suffering isn't a consequence of our actions or even someone else's. God is teaching other beings about Himself and His loved ones--us--as He did with Job. The point of Job's trials was to enable heavenly beings to see God glorified in Job. Sometimes He trusts us with great pain in order to make a point, whether the intended audience is believers, unbelievers, or the spirit realm. Joni Eareckson Tada, no stranger to great suffering, writes, "Whether a godly attitude shines from a brain-injured college student or from a lonely man relegated to a back bedroom, the response of patience and perseverance counts. God points to the peaceful attitude of suffering people to teach others about Himself. He not only teaches those we rub shoulders with every day, but He instructs the countless millions of angels and demons. The hosts in heaven stand amazed when they observe God sustain hurting people with His peace."― Joni Eareckson Tada, When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty"
I have a 2 out of 10 good day to bad pain day ratio...well if that. Pain is hardly ever bellow an 8 out of 10 and that's just my life. And if that is Gods plan then I will accept it not because I enjoy or want it, I'm not masochistic. But when everything comes down to the wire, I trust the my God knows what he's doing and why. I don't need to know why me, because I know to save your life you must give it up. A pastor told me that in relation to my suffering and I found it interesting as I'd never thought of it before like that. So many say that they want to be extremist or influential for what ever faith they believe, they say that they are even will to die and suffer for their cause. I often wonder that if they were made to suffer and be in excruciating pain, how many would go on and keep to that faith, or go through with even being the one in suffering.
Yesterday the test results came back negative for porphoria, and a bunch of other disorders. The only things showing up were that my TSH is low as is my liver function..I went in trying not to get my hopes up but i cant help but feel crushed. Afterward we went to the church and as an act of obedience I was prayed over by our church elders. but i still cant help but feel sad that while I worsen nothing shows up. I just keep holding on to my blind trust in a God I can not see, because I know he has a plan and his understanding of these circumstances surpasses my own. He knows best as C.S.Lewis put it best, “When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’”
It's hard when tears are streaming down your face and all you can do is scream cause nothing can help this kind of pain. In those moments I want desperately to assure those around me that it will be okay, as they look down so worried and helpless. how many countless times I have questioned god "is there no end to this pain?" or "why me" Yet I also beg before him that whatever he is doing, that it brings him glory, even as I doubt how effective a tool I am. To me there is no greatness about me, I am just a quiet person who isn't even the greatest christian. I've already been through a lot in life, that most don't ever go through and I'm not saying it's not fair I just don't understand why the continuos hardships. I am not a loud voice, I do not influence many, I am not a theologist, I am just me. The one thing I am certain of is that above all I trust sometimes blindly through this pain and will endure whatever comes, if this is how God has decided my life is to be, then it is well with my soul. Sure I wish this were the kind of pain that could be pulled off like a band aid but if it is life long I am weak of body, but strong of heart. I am not to question the creator of the universe as I know he sees and understands far greater than I ever could imagine. If my suffering must end in a terminal way I can accept that too as I know I am ready to give this life so others may see you. I just wish there were pauses between the pain, yet I have chosen you and I will not give up.
Perhaps those who suffer give up there lives so that others may come to God through watching how they accept the suffering? Perhaps we can be inspired by others like Joni Erikson Tada who stated that,
“Sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves.”
Sometimes our suffering isn't a consequence of our actions or even someone else's. God is teaching other beings about Himself and His loved ones--us--as He did with Job. The point of Job's trials was to enable heavenly beings to see God glorified in Job. Sometimes He trusts us with great pain in order to make a point, whether the intended audience is believers, unbelievers, or the spirit realm. Joni Eareckson Tada, no stranger to great suffering, writes, "Whether a godly attitude shines from a brain-injured college student or from a lonely man relegated to a back bedroom, the response of patience and perseverance counts. God points to the peaceful attitude of suffering people to teach others about Himself. He not only teaches those we rub shoulders with every day, but He instructs the countless millions of angels and demons. The hosts in heaven stand amazed when they observe God sustain hurting people with His peace."― Joni Eareckson Tada, When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty"
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