The word "Can't" is an interesting one. I'm constantly hearing it, I'm constantly fighting it, yet it seems people love to say it. Why? what good does it do to tell someone they can not do something? Plus It's such a disaffirming word, it brings people down to lower self-esteem, it hurts to hear when your eagerly trying your hardest, yet, it's so popular. What would the world be like if everyone who was told they couldn't do something, listened and stopped trying? I have a feeling it would be a worse place, as almost all of the inspirational people that are now hero's and legends were all told they could not accomplish what they wanted to. People write lists that go on to point out hundreds of point that can't happen and example is here.

The amazing thing is it happened thousands of years ago in Jesus day, and count less others both before and after him, Esther, Ruth, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and still it happens everyday. I bet there were times all our hero's and legends fell into despair - no one said it was easy defying social pressure - yet, the secret to their success is they kept trying but mainly I believe more so it was only with God's help that made them the legend's that are in history books. which is partly why I find it so sad that religion is taken out of schools and not seen as important anymore. It's hard to keep fighting negativity, either in words or thoughts. It feels like one negative comment hurts the good work that five to positive ones were doing. Everyday I wake up, I feel a wave of pain throughout my body, and the exhaustion from not sleeping more than five hours. And that's when I struggle to go on from there because, I know as soon as I get out of the comfort of my bed I'll have to continue this fight to keep trying. So many give up, and that is Okay. Trying so hard against everything that tells you you can't do it is hard, and wears down on you like the river against a rock bed, the stone wears down. The important thing to do is give yourself some rest, and then get back up and take the first step again towards keeping going. I find the getting up hard because I fall a lot! A gust of pain hit's me and I'm down for the count, and after getting it that hard (like the past few weeks) I don't feel like I can.

At a point I even sat in the car in the rain talking to God, and casting all my burdens and worries of uncertainty on him, and asking him for strength. I felt awful, I was worn down, physically and emotionally and didn't feel like I could keep going yet, I've made it through the week and I don't know how. When it's hard like this I feel him with me and feel okay in those still small moments of me just sitting and talking with him. I feel crazy cause it's hard to hear him back, but I can not deny the incredible evidence of his presence and love in our world. I couldn't keep going with out a really big God. So when it comes right down to it I ask, myself am I to listen to people who think that they have the right to tell others what they can or can not do or am I to look back on history and think, lets keep trying. There's a boulder of pain, and hardship that I keep pushing at all day in every task I complete. It stares at me and I can picture it mocking me, and telling me I can't, I see it's mocking face in times when I can't get out of bed, or when teacher's tell me they're worried. It's everywhere but that's not what matters, what matters is to keep pushing it.

I know this boulder of issues in my life is not going to go away, thats fact. I know people are not going to stop indicating that I can't do thing's, it's human nature I guess. (may be they even mean well by it) But with goal's we should be realistic, it's going to be hard and more importantly we will fall away from our goals. It's after we fall that really matter's.

I fell, but I'm taking a few at first shaky steps to see if I need more rest or if I can get up again. I'm looking up recipes a then cooking up linguine when I can get up for a moment. I study in bed and get ahead in classes when I feel a tremble of shaking and slowly I make another step and venture out for a few hours. It's a process, It's hard, and It really hurts, I don't like falling but I like getting back up. Every time I get back up I feel like I can, more and more. They say I can't cause they're outside looking in from one small angle of a view point and from where they are yes I agree it doesn't look like I can cause it's not a clear image. But deep within I Can.