It hurts, my head pounds, my neck and shoulders feel like a tender painful beating, and now theres a storm cloud in my head cause I don't know how much longer I can handle being in this much pain, I'm scared it'll never go away. It's harder to hold on to hope today.
When I was alone yesterday the clouds moved in on my mind, and I just sat and just cried all the built up tears. The only thought going through my mind was how glad I was that no one was around. It was quiet, and I could just be. I was in pain, I was crying, but I was so thankful because I knew there was no one around that I would have to try and explain my pain and feelings to. Sometimes its just really hard, and at those times its to hard to explain to someone who can't really understand. They try to be sympathetic or get frustrated that they cant help. And although theres a time when I need people to care. But last night, the storm raged on and I was just thankful cause I could handle it between me and God. I feel as though I'm hanging at the end of my rope just holding on. In the moments that I cant take the pain anymore I wonder how I will survive.
When others ask how I'm doing and I share how I feel, it's like actually being the elephant in the room. They either suggest that maybe you have what they had, or they tip toe around talking about this disorder like it will hurt me to talk about it. Its not talking about it that hurts it's the tip toeing that hurts.
I woke up today flooded with pain and I'm trying to get out of this stormy clouded mindset. Yet I can't help thinking how am I going to get through the days ahead. Its christmas and I LOVE christmas, I LOVE being around family. but I hate keeping this secret that hurts so deeply it feels taboo to say the truth of how I am. So I push myself, and exhaust my energy trying to be polite and put on the mask that I'm not in pain and that I'm fine. I come home and crash worn thin from carrying this secret. I will survive on purely God's strength, he's the hope I cling on too.
It's christmas eve tomorrow there will be a party and I will be happy to be around family, I will suppress any sign of pain. And I will pray that today I get enough mental and physical rest to make it through.
Recently I've had time to listen to music and paint. The colours and creativity swirling around me are therapeutic to my soul. I feel like me when I paint. Like it's okay to just express my feelings and just be open it's easier to not have to mask anything, in those moment I'm alone and painting I'm in love, I'm okay, because I can breath and just talk to God. The music melodiously carries my soul to a place where I feel I can go on. So today I'll turn off my mask, and watch the gray clouds subside as I'm in this bubble of home. I feel like I can give hope another shot, and find it in myself to keep on keeping on.
So I'm speeding to that time of year, and I hope this creative therapy heals my soul fast enough to get through these christmas joy filled days. I pray that I can keep being okay, and enjoy the happiness in the moments that are filled with holiday fun.
-ElysiaB
When I was alone yesterday the clouds moved in on my mind, and I just sat and just cried all the built up tears. The only thought going through my mind was how glad I was that no one was around. It was quiet, and I could just be. I was in pain, I was crying, but I was so thankful because I knew there was no one around that I would have to try and explain my pain and feelings to. Sometimes its just really hard, and at those times its to hard to explain to someone who can't really understand. They try to be sympathetic or get frustrated that they cant help. And although theres a time when I need people to care. But last night, the storm raged on and I was just thankful cause I could handle it between me and God. I feel as though I'm hanging at the end of my rope just holding on. In the moments that I cant take the pain anymore I wonder how I will survive.
When others ask how I'm doing and I share how I feel, it's like actually being the elephant in the room. They either suggest that maybe you have what they had, or they tip toe around talking about this disorder like it will hurt me to talk about it. Its not talking about it that hurts it's the tip toeing that hurts.
I woke up today flooded with pain and I'm trying to get out of this stormy clouded mindset. Yet I can't help thinking how am I going to get through the days ahead. Its christmas and I LOVE christmas, I LOVE being around family. but I hate keeping this secret that hurts so deeply it feels taboo to say the truth of how I am. So I push myself, and exhaust my energy trying to be polite and put on the mask that I'm not in pain and that I'm fine. I come home and crash worn thin from carrying this secret. I will survive on purely God's strength, he's the hope I cling on too.
It's christmas eve tomorrow there will be a party and I will be happy to be around family, I will suppress any sign of pain. And I will pray that today I get enough mental and physical rest to make it through.
Recently I've had time to listen to music and paint. The colours and creativity swirling around me are therapeutic to my soul. I feel like me when I paint. Like it's okay to just express my feelings and just be open it's easier to not have to mask anything, in those moment I'm alone and painting I'm in love, I'm okay, because I can breath and just talk to God. The music melodiously carries my soul to a place where I feel I can go on. So today I'll turn off my mask, and watch the gray clouds subside as I'm in this bubble of home. I feel like I can give hope another shot, and find it in myself to keep on keeping on.
So I'm speeding to that time of year, and I hope this creative therapy heals my soul fast enough to get through these christmas joy filled days. I pray that I can keep being okay, and enjoy the happiness in the moments that are filled with holiday fun.
-ElysiaB
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