These days I've been doing a lot of packing and thinking, and I have not come to any brilliant conclusions apart from the realization of tired I am. Its 2:43 AM and I should be sleeping yet I'm awake again researching cures to any of my many defects (hashimoto's, endometriosis, fibrmoyalgia, chronic neuropathic pain, chronic fatigue, ibs, pick one) yet, where a new cure comes a new problem seems to always follow. You see after much consideration I went off of the pill due to it causing more severe fatigue and other exciting side effects that on top of already chronic fatigue just wasn't worth the pain. So after much research I found a safer, natural alternative the Lady-Comp which I've decided is worth a try if it cuts down on my liver killing arsenal of medications. But, after a few weeks of being off the pill my friend endometriosis came out to bully me back into bed just when I started feeling more awake, and all around happier. And, So I find myself again up at all hour in pain and looking for answers, it's history repeating itself seems I find a solution and a problem hits - Story of the last five-six years.
I finished school and thought I did remarkably well 77 in a theology course that I struggled through at best, and then 95 in a counselling course that I pushed hard just to finish. To me those are very good grade's considering that I had to drop a course due to pain and illness. While I can only do a couple courses here and there these achievements to others are mediocre at best, but in my books they are BIG and I'm very proud of myself. In my books these are not just grad's showing intellectual achievements, they are much more complex than that, in my books they equal my resolve to push through pain and the many challenges of illness to get to class each day, to push through chronic fatigue to study in bed, to push through pain that says I need a hospital ASAP, these grades show that not only did I get through school but I did relatively well in spite of all my hardships I look at them and think that while I struggle to be okay I can still keep trying I don't have to give up. To others a 77 is not good because they are only looking at the grade, they are missing everything it took to get to that grade. They look and see a number and thats there own issue because I look and see my efforts, my triumph and I beam ear to ear!
Today I've felt sick, right now I feel sick, tomorrow I'll feel sick, what makes it different is today I got out of bed, tomorrow I just don't know. I have pain burning up my left arm into my neck, my lower back throbs, my heads telling me I owe a large sleep debt and my body laughs at my head cause we both know that won't be paid back any time soon. I haven't updated because then I would have to admit I'm not okay even as I desperately cling to the curse of an invisible illness - the invisible part that alludes as it does look as though I am okay. I am desperate to avoid guilt, to let my pain lurk in the shadows as a dirty little secret that I wont indulge in admitting. If I admit I'm not okay it means letting others know and I cant afford the slowing down thyed make me do,
I finished school and thought I did remarkably well 77 in a theology course that I struggled through at best, and then 95 in a counselling course that I pushed hard just to finish. To me those are very good grade's considering that I had to drop a course due to pain and illness. While I can only do a couple courses here and there these achievements to others are mediocre at best, but in my books they are BIG and I'm very proud of myself. In my books these are not just grad's showing intellectual achievements, they are much more complex than that, in my books they equal my resolve to push through pain and the many challenges of illness to get to class each day, to push through chronic fatigue to study in bed, to push through pain that says I need a hospital ASAP, these grades show that not only did I get through school but I did relatively well in spite of all my hardships I look at them and think that while I struggle to be okay I can still keep trying I don't have to give up. To others a 77 is not good because they are only looking at the grade, they are missing everything it took to get to that grade. They look and see a number and thats there own issue because I look and see my efforts, my triumph and I beam ear to ear!
Today I've felt sick, right now I feel sick, tomorrow I'll feel sick, what makes it different is today I got out of bed, tomorrow I just don't know. I have pain burning up my left arm into my neck, my lower back throbs, my heads telling me I owe a large sleep debt and my body laughs at my head cause we both know that won't be paid back any time soon. I haven't updated because then I would have to admit I'm not okay even as I desperately cling to the curse of an invisible illness - the invisible part that alludes as it does look as though I am okay. I am desperate to avoid guilt, to let my pain lurk in the shadows as a dirty little secret that I wont indulge in admitting. If I admit I'm not okay it means letting others know and I cant afford the slowing down thyed make me do,
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